Starbucks

Starbucks never disappoints. I especially enjoy when I put my headphones in my ears but forget to turn on my music. Today, was one of those days and then I overheard two high school girls talking.

‘I am so excited. This will be the best thing ever!’ -first girl

‘Uh, yeah. I am so excited and this is the best thing we have like ever done!’ -second girl

‘Yeah, she will be super proud of us!’ -first girl

‘Oh my God. If we get her to like cry, that would be the best!’ -second girl

‘Yeah it would. This is so perfect; like what could go wrong?’ -first girl

Ok, listen small children. So many things could go wrong.

1) one of you gets grounded for talking like an asshole.

2) someone destroys your hopes and dreams because that’s how life really is and it’s mostly because of they way you talk and your overuse of the word, ‘like.’

3) maybe you both are trying too hard and you talk like valley girls and like people hate that and suddenly like, you have no friends like.

4) someone punches you in the face because of the way you talk and you bleed out.

5) I run over you with my car because you are annoying as fuck and you like, die.

Well, at least I have a coffee.

Until next time,

Peace out like sauerkraut

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Count These…

So as a teacher, I understand the importance of homework, however let me enlighten you on what really gets on my nerves. It’s the homework that requires elementary students to count items.

First off, counting items means I have to acquire the same fucking item 50 -120 times according to tonight’s homework. Have you seen my house? I can’t find anything let alone a grouping of 50-120 items.

Then they give you suggestions, like that is helpful. ‘Count 50-120 cheerios, beans, pennies, or dirt on your carpet…’

First off, the cheerios aren’t open. Secondly, am I really going to open up a can of black beans so my son can play with my fajita topping? Third, does anyone even have pennies anymore?

This is more of a homework assignment for me. I don’t want to fucking count 50 pennies. 

I made my kid count pumpkin seeds. It got the job done but it grossed me out watching the oil slide around the dirty table top because face it, I haven’t cleaned the table since Saturday. Now his hands are all oily and my kid is sitting there counting pumpkin seeds by 2’s, 5’s and 10’s. 

Do you, elementary teacher, know how painful it is to watch my kid count by 2’s and then freaking 5’s and then 10’s? It’s like watching paint dry but you are also on fire, while stepping on legos. 

Until next time,

Who’s got a lighter?

Buzz, Buzz… Who’s This?

*Adult content… don’t read further… this is your warning.*

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So the other night I couldn’t sleep. We have all been in that situation; tossing and turning and staring at all four walls of the bedroom.

I tried being mindful and thinking of serene places but I just kept making lists in my head and then having anxiety. And then it hit me… not literally… but, I thought, ‘hey, I could just use my vibrator.’

I mean what could go wrong, right? So I quietly get it out and turn it on. And Joe, out of a dead sleep mind you, sits straight up and starts trying to find his phone. Yes, he tried to answer my vibrator.

Until next time,

Hello? Who’s this? 

Oh, it’s just my vagina.

Pikachu, I Choose You!

So Vincent will be making his First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion this year. He has to do some intense reading and some activities in his workbook.

Best Parts About This:

  1. Seeing the curiosity on Vincent’s face when he learns about Jesus.
  2. Watching him draw a picture of God’s Grace in his workbook.
  3. Finding out that Jesus indeed had a Poke’ball.

All those times I wasn’t sure if God knew what Poke’mon was but it is evident in this picture that Jesus not only gave His life but also gave us Pikachu.

Until next time,

I believe in both Jesus and the power of the Holy Poke’ball.

Who?

‘Did you hear about Mike Pence?’ -Joe

‘Hold on… Mike Pence. Mike Pence… why do I know that name?’ -me

‘Ally, come on. Mike Pence?’ -Joe

‘Wait. Is he a football player?’ -me

‘Uh, no.’ -Joe

‘Baseball?’ -me

‘Ally, no. Mike Pence!’ -Joe

‘I give up. Who is he?’ -me

‘Jesus. The vice president!’ -Joe

‘Oooooh.’ -me

Yeah, apparently I want to deny the current presidency… along with the rest of the world. 

Until next time,

Clearly, I need to read more tweets.

Did You Win?

I went to an Art Ed conference today. At the end of the day, they had a raffle. A fellow teacher who was helping out during the conference came up to me while I was looking at the raffle board and asked me if I won.

‘So, did you win?’ -Lorraine

‘Nope. Bummer.’ -me

Then she looks at my ticket…

‘Oh honey. You didn’t win because you have to give us the other half.’ -Lorraine

…Yup. Mind blown. Today I learned different art techniques and how to correctly enter a raffle…

Until next time,

The winning number is…! Oh, it doesn’t matter because I am holding both parts of the ticket.

Oh Good! Another Demerit!

Well, it took me a while before I was calm enough to write an update on my children.

On Monday, yes, Monday, Vincent received another demerit. Let’s recap… It’s Monday. Like it was Monday morning.

I know what is on your mind… what was it for? And no worries, he was just climbing the walls of the bathroom. No… literally, climbing the walls. How hard is it to take a crap and leave? Is it really too much to handle?

Now this kid has been diagnosed with ADHD; I think when the children start climbing walls is when you should start medicating. I mean, he is climbing the walls like he is Peter Parker but no one is impressed. Shit, I would have been impressed if

I got an email from the principal, a call from her and a call from his teacher. I am going to be invited over for Tupperware and Lula-roe Parties at this point because they are starting to know me on a first name basis.

After I talked to his teacher, I told her to go get drunk and that I would pay for her first drink. Like, my kid is that kid that is driving teachers to become alcoholics. I mean, he was climbing walls. If he gets another demerit, he gets a detention.

I really hope they put all the kids together that get detentions. That way he can be with seniors and maybe that will scare him. Vincent would probably look at the senior and be like, ‘whatcha in for?’ The the senior can turn to him and be like, ‘murder.’ And then Vincent can be like, ‘yeah, I don’t know how to take a crap without climbing on the fucking walls.