WTF Art Projects: A Dedication to the Start of School

I am always so proud of my kids when they bring home an art project.  I am the last one to ever be critical however, here is Emily’s picture of our family. Let’s critique this picture, shall we?

1) Emily thinks she is a newborn.
2) we don’t have a cat.
3) Joe is apparently a woman.
4) she can’t have that dog. That dog looks too big and it will probably eat Emily.
5) apparently Nicholas is black.
6) Vincent is eating peanut butter which he is highly allergic to soooo he will die if he eats peanut butter.
7) she pretty much nailed the picture of me. Well done Emily.
8)why is the whole family in the house and Emily, as a newborn, is just chillin’ on the roof… alone.
9) I feel like she could have used the elements and principles of design a little better. The background is lacking and has too much negative space… poor planning.
10) I really feel like Emily needs to pay attention and observe her surroundings better. I mean come on, she has been living here for two years. Let’s get it together kid.

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This post is dedicated to my mother in law, Fran Iannone. ūüôā

When You are Called a Bitch

Our family is out today on a lovely outing to Sesame Place. Yes, it is the happiest place in the world… or in the tri-state area. But I swear if Elmo talks to me in the third person and in that whiny Elmo voice, I will punch him right in the face.

As I ran into Wawa to get a ‘few’ things, I came out spending my retirement fund on breakfast, sandwiches and drinks. Anyone who knows Wawa knows you can’t go into that store without spending a small fortune. I go in there and it’s like I have never eaten before. So anyway, $38.00 later, I get back to my car.

I am busy passing out sandwiches and chocolate milk… which is so large by the way, my kids will never poop again. Then I needed to put the sandwiches into the cooler. As I open the trunk, Nicholas leans over the back seat and into the trunk instead of getting his seatbelt on.

I look at him and say… “Nicholas, come on put on your seatbelt. We have to go.” Then he looks at me with that little smile and says “what’s up bitches?”

Ummm… wtf? First off… use proper English. It would be ‘what’s up bitch?’ I guess he needs to learn the difference between one bitch and multiple bitches.
Secondly, it might be time to change my ring tone because it indeed says ‘listen up bitches.’

So yes, I am the model parent with an inappropriate ringtone and a son who doesn’t know the difference between one bitch and multiple bitches.

I guess I should teach him how to tell the difference in bitches before he starts up public school. I don’t want him to stick out by not knowing this information.

So remember the difference. Being called a bitch isn’t just black and white; being called a bitch by your son is black, white and crazy.

Yours truly,

The bitch (not plural)

And this blog entry was dedicated to my fan, Sandra Clev

Ruining Hopes and Dreams

As a parent you always try to help your children achieve their hopes and dreams.

The other day Vincent told me he wanted to be a vet, a doctor, a lawyer a construction worker and a kid when he grew up. Sounds great Vincent! You be all those things as long as I don’t pay for all of your schooling because I don’t want to be in debt forever. So yes son… achieve your dreams with your own money.

Nicholas wants to be a firefighter, a police officer and spiderman. Excellent. Sounds great. I am proud of you for wanting to save the world. I would even support you if you wanted to change your name to Peter Parker.

Emily told me her dreams this morning while she was going to the bathroom. I mean, don’t we all have our best thoughts while sitting on the porcelain throne?

Anyway, she is sitting there watching her pee come out and I am proud of her for her curiosity however, I don’t want to be there if she pees in her face. So as she is watching her pee and telling me how big she is getting, she then looks deep into my eyes and says “mommy, I think I am growing a penis!”

And that is when it happened. I had to tell my baby girl that her penis is never coming because she is a girl and she won’t grow a penis.

Yes. I had to squash her hopes and dreams about automatic growth of body parts.

Don’t get me wrong… she is like any other girl out there. I would love to have a penis just for the sheer fact that I could get in and out of the men’s room in a matter of seconds. Have you seen the woman’s bathroom line? We are in there for minutes and then we have to wash our hands with soap. Gasp!

So yes. I would like one too Emily. I would love to write my name in cursive in the snow, I would like to pee in the bushes, I would like to cross streams with my buddies but hey… I. Am. Never. Going. To. Grow. A. Penis.

So sorry. But mommy is here to tell you the truth and if that means destroying your hopes and dreams then I have to do it.

Sorry that you told me that you hate me but I feel like when you become a teenager, the ‘I hate you’s’ will hurt less because of all the practice we are having while you’re three. That’s why they say ‘practice makes perfect.’

Yes. In this household even going to the bathroom isn’t black and white. My kids make it black, white and crazy.

Until next time,

Dream destroyer

The Truth About Romance After Three Kids

Let me start with a background about me and my husband, marriage and pregnancy but I am not going to lie to you… I don’t sugar coat anything.

Marriage may not be for everybody but my husband and I are in a loving relationship. We are best friends and we love our family.

We wanted to start a family shortly after we said ‘I do.’ So many couples out there are in the same boat. Children are wonderful; they can be sweet and cuddly and say how much they love you. So sweet.

However, sometimes children are cute from afar… way afar. My kids are like that sometimes too.¬†My kids¬†look at you with that puppy dog look and you can’t help but love their little faces and as you look deep into their eyes, they sneeze right¬†in your face. Adorable right?¬†Pass a paper towel please.

So yes, marriage can be wonderful and wanting that bundle of joy can make some woman’s ovaries jump. Getting pregnant can be fun… then you are pregnant and life changes.

For me, I loved being pregnant. I could eat whatever I wanted, gain weight and everyone still thought I was cute. Pregnancy changes you. Smells and foods that you once loved turn into aversions so much so that you are watching your loving husband eat barbecue ribs down in Texas while you can only choke down a McDonald’s chicken nugget. Yeah, that was Joe and I; and Joe seemed really concerned as he had barbecue sauce dripping off of his face.

Pregnancy changes you physically too; after three kids my stomach looks like an atlas with all the stretch marks. Always travel with me because God forbid your GPS runs out of batteries, I can get you across the United States by using points on my stomach. My belly button actually has a star on it and says ‘you are here.’

Besides the physical changes, there is also changes in your marriage. Let’s face it. By the time you work all day and take care of your kids, the last thing you are thinking about is sex but hey, you try to keep the romance alive. You do anything to keep the romance alive.

I posted this a few weeks ago on Facebook but since most of you may not be friends with me this is my idea of keeping that sexy bonfire of love going.

The other day Joe was mowing the lawn and I wanted to get his attention and to keep things interesting, I flashed him. Yup, right there in the middle of the day; neighbors out, and I didn’t care. Joe gave me a ‘oooh’¬†look and chuckled a little bit from my boldness. But hey, anything for that flicker of romance after a long day right? And then I look to my left and my son Nicholas (4 years old), walked in on me while my shirt was up and my boobs were squished up against the glass… at knee level of course because I have three kids. Either way, Nicholas doesn’t say a word and walks over to the window, lifts up his shirt and stands there in front of Joe. If you think that was bad enough, both Emily (3 years¬†old)¬†and Vincent (6 years old)¬†also come over and there we are, all standing at the window, flashing Joe.

Yes. It was awkward but that is the joy of children; life is Black, White and Crazy.

Yours truly,

Midday flasher

Welcome to my life…

So this is my first blog entry.

I have had a lot of friends and family¬†encourage me to go beyond the pages of Facebook and to make my stories available for more people. So here I am… making my first blog.

To start off and to get this blog going, I am going to start adding my favorite moments about raising our three children. Just to give you a little background, my husband Joe and I, have two boys and a girl. Vincent is six, Nicholas is four and Emily is three.

Vincent is our high energy, smart little guy and he can make the other two do whatever he wants. The kid finds loopholes more than an actual lawyer. Sometimes I find that I second guess my decisions because he came up with some way to tell me that I was wrong and then he pulls out a PowerPoint presentation and shows me all the ways he is right.

Nicholas is shy, unless he is being led by Vincent. He is smart and funny but also very sneaky. The kid can pick pocket my phone or steal dinner from the counter when I am trying to prepare it. So he is clever or a kleptomaniac but hey, we’ll see what happens in ten years.

Emily is like our princess. Drama with a crown. She is adorable and cuddly but will get down and hang out with her brothers. She likes shoes. I just found that out yesterday at daycare. I like food. And pajamas.

So this is just a preview of what is to come. Pass on the humor and tell people about the blog of a crazy mom and her family.

Hang tight because having kids is Black, White And Crazy.

Yours truly,

A mom that keeps it real.