Epic Parenting

How you know you are an ‘Epic Parent.’

1) your daughter asks you to play with her. She hands you a toy dog leash and says… “can you walk me?” And you proceed to walk your daughter around the house while she sniffs for “squirrel poop.”

2)your son asks you to play “zombies” and you have to kill other zombies and eat their brains.

3)your other son asks you to play army men with those toy army soliders. He takes one shot… “pop!” And tells you that he killed all of your men because he has the “goodest army.” 

It takes you more time to set up the damn army men then to play ‘army men’ and then “pop!” He states he is still the ‘goodest army.’ You can start to feel your blood boil because you are competitive and you want to win. Then you realize you are playing fake army men with a four year old.

4)one of the kids asks for a snack and candy falls all over the floor. It’s like a freaking pinata broke at a party but no one got hit in the nuts trying to open the damn thing.

There are skittles and m&m’s all over the floor. The kids start eating them because they are trying to help you ‘clean.’ Then you look around, and start to help ‘clean’ too. Then you realize the saddest part isn’t that you are currently eating dirt with your children, it’s that you just ate a skittles and an m&m at the same time and your taste buds are confused.

5) you didn’t hurl your child through a wall when he said ‘ hey big fella.’ Then he pushed on your stomach and watched himself disappear into your muffin top. You now know that he has been doing this so frequently that this is going to be one of those stories they bring up around the table during the holidays. ‘…. hey! Remember when we were kids and we would hide in mom’s muffin top?… yeah, those were the days….’

So you see blog followers… we have mastered epic parenting. If you aren’t doing it this way, then you just aren’t doing it right.

The dull parents are obviously black and white but the epic ones have a little crazy in them.

Until next time,

Big fella

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Who Wants to Get Married and Eat Pancakes?

It is no surprise that my children do not understand boundaries. In fact, they don’t even understand personal space.

Personally, I constantly have someone trying to gain access to the bathroom while I am in it; sometimes they gain access and that is the time they want to talk to me. WTF.

Yesterday, Nicholas confessed his love to his brother while Vincent was pooping in the bathroom. It’s like no one can go to the bathroom alone in this house. Nicholas just starts to spill his heart and soul to the bathroom door. “Hey Vincent! I love you. I want to marry you. Then we can get married and sleep in the same bed and kiss each other on the lips because we are married. The we can go to weddings together and be in love!”

Is this my marriage? I mean they have to see it from somewhere… I am glad Joe and I spend our time kissing on the lips and going to weddings.

Meanwhile, I am trying to explain to Nicholas that he can marry whoever he wants but he isn’t allowed to marry his brother. At first he was down trodden but then I saw him looking at wedding magazines so he bounced back… I think he is already planning the big event; I think they are going for a fall wedding.

Then this morning, Emily decided that she wanted to marry ‘Anna’ from ‘Frozen.’ Again, all for it… sure kid. Marry whoever you want. Then I found out she wanted to marry her Anna pancake. Yes, I do make shapes out of pancakes. Normally, they look like blobs but she thinks they are princesses so whatever. So yeah, I heard how much she loved her pancake and wanted to marry it and then she hit us with a bombshell. “Hey mommy and daddy… I want a baby in my belly right now!”  So we are deciding to lock her up until she’s like thirty.

Then later in the morning, Vincent comes screaming down through the kitchen! “Help me! Nicholas is trying to grab my penis and my butt! Heeeeelp!” So naturally I try to stop this craziness and yell back, “Nicholas the only people that are allowed to touch Vincent is mommy and daddy and the doctor. Yeah, the correct answer but it still sounds awkward. Either way, I hope that these incidences do not make it to school on Monday morning.

Our house is seriously one giant personal bubble that the kids just like to continually pop. The boys are planning weddings to each other, trying to touch each other’s butts and Emily is confessing her undying love to pancakes. I can’t wait to have pancake grandchildren.

So Sundays are a day of rest. It’s black and white… rest. Rest and watch football. However in this house the kids are crazy with their love and their pancakes.

Until next time,

The mom that will have pancake grandchildren.

Who’s the Luckiest Girl?

Well, I will let you know who the luckiest girl is… it’s me.

Why you may ask? Because it’s Saturday night and my husband was wondering why route 95 jumps from exit 3 to exit 1 B. Leading him to wonder… where the hell is exit 2?

Well, Joe’s personal diagnosis from Dr. BlackWhiteAndCrazy is that he has OCD. He has been looking online to find out where exit 2 is on interstate 95. Don’t worry everyone,  I just found out that exit 2 is in the works to connect to rt 301. Exciting I know. Rest assured… Deldot still owns the land so the expansion is possible. Whew… that was a close one. Thank God because I was worried.

Did you also know that the exit that we live off of used to cost 15 cents? Oh God. I can’t stand this much knowledge on a Saturday night! This information is unfolding as I am typing this blog.

So back off ladies… this hot stud is mine. I wouldn’t give up a single moment… a single PowerPoint…a single excel spreadsheet… or a single google search for interstate information. I love how wonderful my husband is and how cute he is when he tells me information about roads. I can’t deny that it’s a turn on… woo.

So when your Saturday night seems just black and white, remember that mine is also crazy and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Until next time, buckle up and drive safe.

The wife who is searching for exit 2.

Spot the Teacher

So it has been exactly a month since school started- it feels more like a lifetime.

We are going to play a game on today’s blog- it’s called ‘Spot the Teacher.’ I am going to give you clues and you have to find the nearest teacher in your location…

1) look for someone that looks frazzled and just stares into space for long periods of time.

2)is this person talking to themself?

3)look for the person that is overly tired and can’t make it past 9 pm. Even 9 pm is pushing it.

4)it’s 7 pm… is the nearest person to you talking about IEP’s, 504’s and accommodations? Are they confused about chunking? If so, they are not talking about their weight… fyi.

5)whisper the word ‘schoology.’ Does it send this person into panic? Do they start to debate the pronunciation? By the way it’s ‘school-ol-lagy.’

6)can this person hold their pee for obsene amounts of time? Like twelve hours?

7) can they eat a meal at lighting speed, while grading papers and holding a full conversation in under 20 minutes?

8)are they drinking?

9)really… are they drinking…heavily?

10) do they see the mirage… also known as Component V?

11)are they currently burning their Learning Map?

12) is this person a mentor, a therapist, a friend, a professional, a lawyer, a mediator, and a psychic?

If you have spotted all twelve clues, go hug that person because they are a teacher. And buy them a beer because it’s the weekend and they deserve to have a drink or ten.

To all my teachers out there, happy one month… only like eight more to go. Excuse me while I go to bed.

Teaching is hard. It’s not black and white… you have to understand the gray too. And if you are in high school like me, it can also be crazy.

A, B, C… go buy a drink for me.

Yours truly,

An overworked teacher… it’s only been one month
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What is a Light Saber?

As a parent there are a few phrases you will never forget. Mine is from yesterday when I got to yell this at my kids:

“Hey! Stop chasing each other with that! Light sabers are not supposed to go into each other’s butts.” -me

Now I didn’t watch the movies… I know… But yeah… I am pretty sure that Harrison Ford did not do that in Star Wars.

Why are my kids just flat out reckless and crazy with the light saber? Find a storm trooper or something.

Until next time,

The mom of three missing light sabers

Kid-less for Twenty-four Straight Hours

These are the top ten signs that you are kid-less for a whole twenty-four hours.

1) you don’t have kids for a whole 24 hours so you plan an entire weeks worth of activities in a day.
2) you realize that all that planning will never happen because you have to sleep, drive for five hours and go to an amazing wedding.
3) at this friends wedding you drink too much because you don’t have to adult.
4) I’m not an idiot. I became friends with the bartender and he gave me a full bottle of wine for the way home. I gave him a $2 tip because I’m classy like that.
5) your husband falls off the bed, hits the TV and falls into a table- do the math.
6) you are up wrote a blog at 2am because you know the earlier you go to bed the sooner you have to get up and be an adult.
7) I may or may not have shown my boobs to everyone because my dress just can’t cover the girls. My husband liked the view but the rest of the wedding people…uh… debatable.
8) there is nothing on TV but I have a channel on about cold murder cases. That’s great and probably really good for my anxiety. Who has duct tape and  a plastic bag?
9) I ate a whole meal. BY MYSELF and it was hot!
10) At the wedding a nice woman came up to me and said:
‘aww, you’re pregnant!’ -lady
‘Aww, yeah I was. Three and a half years ago.’ -me

Normally I would have slapped the woman but the endless wine bar helped me not beat the woman or to start doing crunches in the middle of the dance floor.

Yeah being kid-less for 24 hours is amazing. Parents go crazy and it’s not just black and white crazy, it’s full blown madness.

Until next time,

A pregnant looking mom carrying her $2 bottle of wine

Take Your Mom’s Advice

When we were kids our parents did what was best to protect us and gave us advice we didn’t want to take.

‘Don’t eat the dirt. Take off your hat when you enter a building. Did you wash behind your ears? It’s better to walk away.’

It’s funny that as you grow up and you learn all of these things that you start saying those things to your own children.

I have my dad’s look down to a science and I even grind my teeth while giving my look of death. Unfortunately, it works on my high school students and not my own kids. My own kids laugh… until I chase them but even then, I can’t catch them because this body doesn’t run.

But it’s funny how when you are younger you are never going to be like your parents and then one day you are saying all the same phrases, giving the same looks and most importantly, giving the same advice.

So I find myself giving my kids the same advice. ‘They aren’t being a good friend right now. If they aren’t being nice, then walk away.’ However, if the same kid is picking on my babies then I may tell my kids to sucker punch the other child in the face.

So as adults, why don’t we take the same advice? When life gets hard and people treat you so badly why do we hold on so much tighter? Why do we fight so much harder?

I’m going through this right now with a friend and the worst part is that I never was able to explain myself. I was accused of actions that are not in my character; which for someone like me who obsesses, is devastating. I’m not saying that I don’t have fault in the demise of our friendship- I certainly do but I never was given the fair chance to fight.

Today, I was sitting in the car telling Emily that if Alex, at school, isn’t being nice to her then she needs to walk away and play with someone else. Meanwhile, the boys are telling her to punch him in the face. Maybe I should stop giving that advice because my boys are now passing it around.

Either way, why can’t I walk away? Why don’t I have more respect for me? I have a ton of abandonment issues- hence the reason for extra therapy. The insurance people must love me…

But seriously why not just take my mom’s advice and walk away? What a simple concept right?

I will tell you what walking away means to me. It means letting go of a friendship you thought that you had. It means holding on to memories that you wish you could make more of; it’s admitting to yourself that nothing is left to hold on to.

It’s sad really because you assume people want to be with you forever but sometimes we are left alone, to take that walk and that journey by ourselves. So when do we become strong enough? When do I become strong enough? And more importantly, how do I teach my kids to have the strength that I don’t seem to have?

Our friendship was a lot of fun and sometimes crazy. My memories right now are vivid, bright and full of laughter but, over time, they too will fade to black and white. And that’s OK because sometimes we have to take our mother’s advice and walk away when people don’t want to play with you anymore.

And to my friend, thanks for the memories and I’m thankful we didn’t sucker punch each other in the face because our faces are so pretty.

Yours truly,

The little girl swinging alone… but there’s an extra swing open now so I am taking applications.