This blog is more serious and more important to me than the others. I don’t like to share my struggles except with close friends or family but I thought if this blog could help a fellow parent, then it’s worth it.
I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since 2013. A traumatic shooter drill at school kicked off this struggle and I have been in therapy and on medication since that day. That story doesn’t matter as much as the journey I have been on since then.
Since that drill, I have been constantly wondering why I matter. Asking questions like why my husband wants to be with me, why friends like me and why my own children love me so much?
To put this in perspective, for two consecutive Mother’s Days I have begged my husband not to acknowledge the day and not to let the kids do anything for me. I felt that I didn’t deserve a day when I was feeling so undeserving as a mom. I have had a lot of moments of sadness and overwhelming pain, suicidal thoughts and lots of tears.
The reason I am posting this is because this weekend was the first time in over two years that I turned to my husband while our kids were playing at the shore and said “we are doing a good job and we have good kids.” It was the first time in a long time that I used the word ‘we.’
I know it may not be much, but for me, that two letter word meant a great deal. I am not saying that I am 100% better and that I don’t have my moments but even if I am 1% better than yesterday, it’s a victory for me.
Joe and I are a great team and without him standing by me, I am sure I wouldn’t be standing at all. He has been and always will be my biggest support. My children although strange and challenging sometimes are ours and I am proud of who they are growing up to be. And mostly I am proud that WE are raising them in this crazy world together.
My life in these last couple of years was black and white but now I am accepting the crazy too and I am starting to love life again. Each day is a battle but it’s a battle worth fighting.
A real mom who struggles with depression
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that you are not alone. Get help, talk to someone you trust or call the national suicide hotline at: