We.

This blog is more serious and more important to me than the others. I don’t like to share my struggles except with close friends or family but I thought if this blog could help a fellow parent, then it’s worth it.

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since 2013. A traumatic shooter drill at school kicked off this struggle and I have been in therapy and on medication since that day. That story doesn’t matter as much as the journey I have been on since then.

Since that drill, I have been constantly wondering why I matter. Asking questions like why my husband wants to be with me, why friends like me and why my own children love me so much?

To put this in perspective, for two consecutive Mother’s Days I have begged my husband not to acknowledge the day and not to let the kids do anything for me. I felt that I didn’t deserve a day when I was feeling so undeserving as a mom. I have had a lot of moments of sadness and overwhelming pain, suicidal thoughts and lots of tears.

The reason I am posting this is because this weekend was the first time in over two years that I turned to my husband while our kids were playing at the shore and said “we are doing a good job and we have good kids.” It was the first time in a long time that I used the word ‘we.’

I know it may not be much, but for me, that two letter word meant a great deal. I am not saying that I am 100% better and that I don’t have my moments but even if I am 1% better than yesterday, it’s a victory for me.

Joe and I are a great team and without him standing by me, I am sure I wouldn’t be standing at all. He has been and always will be my biggest support. My children although strange and challenging sometimes are ours and I am proud of who they are growing up to be. And mostly I am proud that WE are raising them in this crazy world together.

My life in these last couple of years was black and white but now I am accepting the crazy too and I am starting to love life again. Each day is a battle but it’s a battle worth fighting.

Yours truly,

A real mom who struggles with depression

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that you are not alone. Get help, talk to someone you trust or call the national suicide hotline at:
1-800-273-8255.

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Published by

BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

4 thoughts on “We.”

  1. I met you Allison when attempting to check something off my bucket list ( … it was roller derby ). Allison is a kind, funny mom who manages a family of 3 kids with her supportive husband. When I first met her I thought wow she is the coolest mom in the entire world. She shared her life with a smile in a face and a humble attitude. I have not seen here physically in probably 2 years but I stalker on Facebook because her life is such a positive inspiration. If you are lucky enough to meet her,you will see why people gravitate around her and her family. I struggle with being perfect and have a perfect life, but I learned a valuable lesson from her: ” it is perfectly ok to be imperfect, to laugh at what it is not going the way it should be… because that’s just life”. Everyday we fall and we get back right up …just like in roller derby .. we try to fall small; however rest assure there is always someone lending you a hand to get right back up. Thank you Allison for sharing your life . YOU SIMPLY F***!NG ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Allison, you are amazing in so many ways; as a wife, a mom, a friend, a photographer, and as a teacher. Everyone around you knows this, but I am so glad that you are starting to see this for yourself. I never would have dreamed that you were truly struggling. Did this really start with the school incident? I mean, you had three children so quickly that there were a lot of hormonal swings going on there!! At any rate, I’m happy that you are seeing the brighter side of things now! Call me ANY time if you need to talk.
    Maggie
    Survivor of raising three children 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup… it started with the drill. It was a hard time. Talked to school counselors and the school psychologist and they convinced me to talk to someone. They diagnosed me with ptsd and I have a hard time in public places. It’s been a rough road… but I’m getting better hopefully.

      Like

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