Today I realized that I am a pathological liar.
I think it started when I had kids. Kids make you lie… your whole life is a lie that needs to be covered by another lie and then you have to remember those lies to have your lies make sense. Whew… that was exhausting but all very accurate.
We lie to our kids about the usual things; Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and the stupid Elf on the Shelf. And since the holidays are coming up, let’s get this out of the way… Yes, the Elf on the Shelf is cute and sweet and comes with a lovely story but that Elf is a freaking attention whore. Move me everyday and be creative… I will give you creative, how about I place you ever so gently in the fireplace and turn that sucker on. Are you warm now Elf? Was that creative?
But I digress, tonight I was making dinner and being a good mom, I gave my children a healthy meal of leftover hotdogs and macaroni and cheese. I mixed it all together and viola… casserole. Emily refuses to eat hotdogs so I told her that it was sausage. Ok, small lie right? Well then the boys kept saying how my ‘sausage’ tasted like hotdogs… would you please shut the hell up? It’s sausage tonight! So that was lie number one.
Then we played for a few minutes before bedtime. We always read books before bed because we try to be good parents. Emily picked out a ‘Cinderella Wedding’ book. Oh yay… something that has a million words. I looked at the pictures and made up a damn story because I don’t have an hour to read through a book about fairy Godmother’s and mice that can sew… it’s just hurting my brain. Then at the end of the book Cinderella meets her Prince Charming and they get married. I added ‘and Cinderella went to school, studied really hard, and became a lawyer.’ So that was lie number two. And honestly, I just don’t have the time… mommy wants to go downstairs and watch the craziness that is the Republican Debate.
Then we read a lovely book called ‘Going on a Bear Hunt.’ Great book but who the hell is taking their whole family on a bear hunt? Who is going out and looking for bears? Do you watch Good Morning America? Bears are eating people. Stop going on bear hunts. You idiots. Anyway, my kids are like ‘mommy? do you know why the bear is chasing them? Because the bear just wants a friend.’ Yup kids… you’re right. Lie number three. Listen kids, the bear is hungry; he wants to eat the family and invite his bear friends over to feast on humans.
So yeah, I am a pathological liar that lies on a regular basis. The best is when Joe and I lie together. I feel like we are a strong team and he is my ultimate partner in crime. We are liars… err, parents.
So parenting isn’t black and white… you have to add crazy lies into your normal, everyday life. If you don’t lie to your kids they will take over… more so then they already do.
I love you all! Or do I?
A pathological liar that is also a mom who can make an awesome sausage and macaroni and cheese casserole.