Tonight we went out for Joe’s birthday dinner. Towards the end of dinner, I had my arm around Emily and she looks up at me and says ‘hey mommy, you are breaking my personal bubble.’
Your personal bubble? Your bubble? Are you serious right now? Let me tell you a list of reasons that you kids have destroyed my bubble, for the last six years.
1) I can never go to the bathroom by myself.
2) in order to take a crap, I have to have someone on my lap.
3) once you kids, as an army, have gained access to the bathroom, I have been asked why I don’t have a penis, why does my stomach look like that and why I have to wipe my vagine. Yeah… I call it a vagine.
4) if I sit on the floor, someone is sitting on my head.
5) if I am sitting on the floor someone is farting in my mouth
6) if I walk, you are grabbing my tent sized shirt and I am literally pulling you across the floor.
7) when I make you dinner, you are grabbing my legs and sliding with me across the floor. And with your mighty force, you make me walk you around the kitchen because you think my body is a fun house.
8) you wake me up by poking my face.
9) you wake me up to tell me that you have to go to the bathroom.
10) you hand me your boogers at 3am.
11) you play my boobs like they are a set of drums.
12) you hide in my muffin top.
13) you test the laws of physics when you hit my stomach and watch the ripple effect of my fat.
14) you eat all my food when we have the same damn thing.
15) you have stuck your finger in my ear, mouth, eyes and nose.
16) you have tried to feed me your boogers.
17) you have tried to feed me my boogers.
18) you tell me to look at you and when I do, I unexpectedly get to see your junk because you are molding it much like silly putty.
19) you tell me to look at you and when I do, I unexpectedly get to see that you are bent over showing me your butt hole and from there, I can see your brain.
20) you make me smell your feet.
21) you have given me your toe jam.
22) you stick your finger inside my belly button when we are in public.
23) you call my boobs pears in public.
24) you open up my eyes when I am sleeping so you can see my blood.
25) you stroke my face ever so sweetly and then asked if I shaved this morning.
So listen. Don’t talk to me about personal bubbles because mine has been missing for six years. My bubble has been poked, and tortured.
So I will put my arm around you and you will like it. But later I am giving you a wet willy.
The mom looking for a bubble on Ebay or at the bottom of a wine glass.