The Real Truth About Shopping with Children

Today is my husband’s birthday and I took the kids out to get some birthday surprises for my awesome husband.

However shopping with a six, four and three year old is the closest thing to being at the circus… that is taking place in hell with Satan as the mc.

First, we went to the market where my kids wanted a car cart. Worst. Invention. Ever. I have three kids and the car only fits two. So I had to start lying out of my ass. OK you two can be in the car and, you, leftover kid, can be the magical pilot. Wtf is a magical pilot? I will tell you that that line came magically out of my ass.

Meanwhile, the six year old is playing baby… a favorite past time in this house. So he is talking like he is a toddler and whining. I know what the hell you are playing and it’s annoying as hell but all the people at the supermarket don’t have a clue.

Meanwhile, my kids are climbing out of the cart and into the yogurt display. Get. Your. Ass. In. The. Poorly. Designed. Cart. Car.

Destination number two… Kohls. One small cart with one seat… let’s start the fighting.

First off, I can’t find a damn thing in that place… including my kids. I went to the men’s section and they went to the toys. We had lost each other. So I naturally did what any mother would do in this situation… I kept walking.

Then they saw me and started sprinting through the Christmas display, dodged an old woman and finally caught up with me in the ugly wreaths section. We were together again. Yay.

While in the men’s section the kids started fighting. No… not with each other but with their reflections in the mirror. Yeah… we look completely normal.

As we left the men’s section we went to get the kids new pajamas. On the way they were very affectionate with all of the mannequins. Mostly the male ones and every time Nicholas hugged one, he basically was hugging it’s junk.

Then the great race began… let’s see how fast we can push Emily in the cart. I mean it’s a straight aisle right? Except for that poor man with a cart that he was using as a walker. I don’t think he knew he could move that fast. But that old man took a sharp left into the clothes because his other option was death.

Then Emily had a meltdown because her brothers wanted a turn in the cart. So here she is screaming and crying. And her face is currently painted like a cat. A day old face painting job so really she just looks dirty. And she is wailing. But it’s OK because Nicholas and Vincent helped out by running around the cashier. The whole six aisles of cashiers. When I finally grabbed Vincent to stop running, he decided his next move would be to pretend he was a cashier and got behind the counter.

Meanwhile, I look like hell and I think people felt bad for me. But if you feel bad for me then maybe you should give out samples… of hard, hard liquor.

So, when that old woman comes up to you and says how precious your kids are and how time goes so fast and blah, blah, blah. Look deep in her eyes and punch her right in the face.

Yours truly,

I just ‘saved’ $150.00 at Kohls but it wasn’t worth my soul.


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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