I have written openly about my depression randomly in some of my blogs. I have had many people reaching out to me in personal messages or when I am out thanking me for my honesty because they are struggling too. So I decided that once a week, I will be open and honest about my week- maybe it can help someone; maybe it can help you? But I’m not going to lie, sometimes I will still be a sarcastic smart ass.
So this week started out rough and I want to explain what it’s like to be in my head. Usually, life just comes and goes. I usually feel like I am in a movie watching myself making decisions and living life. I am always going through the motions but never really ‘feeling.’ I think the only thing I do feel is extreme happiness and extreme anger. There is never anything in between.
Let me explain my anger. I am like a dormant volcano- I look calm from the outside but inside I feel like I am constantly bubbling under the surface. One little thing can set me off to a number ten on the scale and I can’t seem to get down again to a normal level.
Sometimes I feel like I am on this carousel and I am riding one of those damn, colorful horses. I am spinning around and around and the same crap is happening. I can see it coming… whizzing past me in blurs of color. It is just all the same… my brain and my negative tape never shuts off. I am getting sick from the ride and I am waiting for the lanky teenager to get me off the damn horse but instead of a teenager running the ride, I just see myself. With each pass, I just keep waiting for me to stop my own ride but it seems impossible.
So I decided a couple years ago that I would try to make the ride stop… spinning in circles makes me physically sick anyway and thus began my weekly therapy sessions. And I am going to be honest… weekly isn’t enough. Sometimes I still need to reach out to my therapist during the week and I am lucky enough to have a therapist that always makes herself available.
So being angry in a world where people are usually calm blows. People always tell you to ‘just decide to be happy’ and I want to tell them ‘to just decide not to be an idiot.’
And then there is my extreme happiness. I have a loving husband and three beautiful, crazy kids. And even though my kids drive me to drink on some days, sometimes they say things that just hit me.
Last night, Vincent came into our room crying. When I woke up to see what was wrong, he started to cry harder and said ‘mommy, I don’t want to grow up. I want to stay little and be with you forever.’ Well, let’s just say I pulled that little six year old into our bed and cuddled him until he fell asleep and I was able to steal back my pillow.
Then I realized that I have a lot of times, like most parents I’m sure, where I wish away time. Counting down the moments till bedtime, counting down the time till I can be alone, counting down life. Everyone says you shouldn’t waste your days away and they are right but sometimes that is unrealistic.
I never want to be unrealistic and live in a world of extreme happiness but I also don’t want to be that angry dormant volcano either. So where should I fall?
I will fall wherever on a day to day basis. I will never wake up and just ‘decide’ to be happy. I will work my ass off to try to be happy and I will try not to count down the minutes.
And I never want my kids to grow up… they are cute the way they are and they give me good writing material.
Until next time,
A mom who is struggling