I started this blog and I just erased the whole thing because nothing can express how much I am hurting.
I wish I had something great to tell you or something super funny that has happened in my household. The funniest thing is that Nicholas just farted on me while I was typing and it smells like potato chips. Gross, I know.
The truth is, that I have ‘broken up’ with a friend and life sucks right now. I am not trying to be funny or witty; I am really hurting. I am sure I drove this person CRAZY but she also treated me badly. She expected me to go places and make her laugh on command. And though, I am damn funny, I can’t perform on command and it was hard; especially when I am not happy all the time and I don’t have my own microphone.
You know the Indy 500? Cars going like 200 mph and always doing left hand turns? That’s my brain. I am not always on point because I am constantly thinking. My brain never shuts down and it thinks about horrible instances like the impending doom of my family when I drop them off at school, or how I will get shot when I go to teach for the day, or if I am a good enough mom and wife. My brain doesn’t shut up but through therapy and finally having an excellent therapist, I am starting to be mindful of my own thoughts and how to deal with them.
I will be honest, even though this friend made me feel like crap a lot of the time, I still miss her. She made me feel special in a lot of ways and I enjoyed our time out together but I have also realized through my therapy sessions that this person was also my biggest trigger. Everything I did wasn’t good enough and she only thought about herself. She never acknowledged my feelings and usually my feelings were ‘all about me.’ Funny. I thought that’s what feeling were?
Either way, that is why I have been so quiet. I am really down and I want to reach out to this person so badly but I know that she isn’t good for me- much like I am not good for her. I have to learn and accept that this is the best decision for me mentally. However, physically and emotionally, I am devastated and I feel like barfing all over my shoes. It is taking a lot of will power not to contact her even though she has contacted me in-not- so nice ways. I wish I could tell her and I wish that she would ‘get it’ but I know that we just can’t ‘get’ each other. I wish we could because I do miss her.
Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. And loss is loss. And it sucks.
To leave you with something, anything, this is it: be true to yourself even though it hurts. Be strong because in the end, you are all you have.
Until next time,
I feel broken but I will mend. I just need some glue and some alcohol. And some ice cream… and chocolate.