Ok. So we have three children, who are six, four and three. Their voice volume level is clearly broken. The ‘inside voice’ is non-existent and their outside voice is probably enough to gather the masses if need be. Our kids are so damn loud.
1) Church voice- voice level: loud. Jesus is covering his ears while he sits at the right hand of God.
2) They are thirsty- voice level: loud and I want to change my name from mom to Bob.
2) They want to tell you a secret- voice level: loud and now you are deaf.
So they are freaking loud as hell. But for some reason, in the middle of the night, my children turn into silent ninjas.
I don’t know what the hell happens but when I am sleeping I feel the intense feeling that someone is staring at me. And there they are, with their beady, little brown eyes staring at you in the darkness. It’s enough to acknowledge that ‘yes, your heart is still beating and yes, your bladder is broken because you just peed the bed.’
This week the following ninjas have silently rolled into our room and did their ninja like moves in the middle of the night. I kept score everytime they magically appeared in our room in the cover of darkness…
Nicholas’ Ninja Score: 2
a) his nose was running.
b)he handed Joe his boogers. I saw his silent Ninja moves into the room but I played dead.
Emily’s Ninja Score: 5
a) she needed me to cover her with a blanket. I know the struggle. It’s hard to pull a blanket on top of you.
b) she was cold. Maybe if you kept your pajamas on instead if being a nudist, you might be warmer? I don’t know. Just a thought.
c) she didn’t want to sleep alone. You have been sleeping alone for like six hours. What the hell? Find a stuffed animal and roll over. Count sheep or something.
d) her hand felt funny. Uhh… ok? I rubbed it like I was some kind of magical wizard and then it was all better.
e) she silently whispered that she needed me to wipe her crack because she had to pee. Finding your crack is like finding your mouth when you are hungry. It’s always there and never moves.
Vincent’s Ninja Score: 3
a) bad dream.
b) bad dream.
c) he wanted to go to school. WTF. It’s like 3am. Go to bed and practice your math facts… count sheep with Emily.
So yeah. I don’t get it. Why can’t our kid’s volume control work… like ever? But when the sun goes down, they silently dress in black and roll around like they are on a freaking mission to destroy sleep. They are sleep destroyers.
And how do I know this? Because I have been up since 3:30 am because I had to wipe the crack of a ninja.
Until next time,
The mom of three loud children by day but then the mom of three Ninjas when night falls.