This week has been a really horrible week dealing with a past friend. I have really been depressed and it has affected a lot of my daily life and has become a major topic in my therapy sessions. Abandonment and trust are two of my biggest issues and here I am again, feeling like I have been left alone in a huge crowd of people. It is just my perception and not reality but it’s hard to remember that.
Here was my conversation last night with my husband and it perfectly describes how I feel and how much support Joe gives me.
“Joe. I feel so lost and alone. I feel like damaged goods. The best way to describe me is a canned good at the grocery store that’s dented and nobody wants and it has no label. I don’t even know who I am. I don’t even have a label.” -me
“Yeah but that’s why you have a good therapist now. Someone to show you that you aren’t just damaged goods. It doesn’t matter that you are dented and damaged on the outside because what’s inside is still good. And I still want you even if you feel damaged right now.” -Joe
Life has it’s ups and downs and right now my life seems like it’s spiraling out of control. Sometimes the pain inside is so intense it’s just completely and utterly unbearable. Sometimes I look for ways just to feel something- anything. It’s hard to be in this place and it’s harder when you don’t know how to get out. It is a terrible feeling to feel like you are damaged, dented, broken and unidentifiable… even to yourself.
I need to look past the people that don’t want me, even if I don’t understand why, to the people that do want me. And in those many times that I don’t want myself, I appreciate those who remind me that I am worth it. Now, I just have to find it within myself.
Support is important and I have found the greatest support system in an amazing therapist and a wonderful husband.
If you are depressed like me, hang in there. One day we will realize that we are worth it. One day our miracle will come.
Until next time,
Clean up in aisle 4.