We woke up early today to get out of the house and we started off with a leisurely, fancy breakfast at Friendly’s. While we were there our kids were nothing but classy.
In the middle of breakfast, the kids started singing ‘I wish I was a little piece of soap;’ which is a song my mom used to sing to me while in the bathtub. Part of the song is ‘then I’d slippy and I sliddy over everybody’s hinny…’ But Emily added and ‘vagina and butt and penis and hinny!’ As loud as you can possibly imagine and yes, it was incredibly awkward.
Then shortly after our singalong, the great Friendly’s bathroom crawl started where all the kids need to go to the bathroom at once. When Emily heard this, she took it upon herself to stand on her seat and declare, ‘I have to pee.’ Meanwhile, I just kept drinking my coffee.
Then it was off to church. If you are familiar with my stories, the greatest and most awkward moments happen at church. Today was no exception. First, I have been having a rough time and all I wanted to do is to sing and listen to the readings but all my kids wanted to sit on me at once. Not just one but all at once.
When I finally literally had a second of no one on my lap, I hear Vincent reading. Yes, the church is quiet and my son is reading! You know that proud moment when your son is reading the hymnal? No? Yeah, it was fantastic… he even added the dramatic pauses because the words are broken up to go along with the music. I think he read pages 304, 606 and 51.
While this was happening, Emily climbed back on my lap to tell me that she was so sad because Jesus was dead.
Vincent was confused while I was drinking the blood of Jesus and why we were eating his body. Kind of extreme but I can’t lie which leads me to my next moment when I found out that I tell them too much.
Emily and I had to take the bathroom tour at St. Margaret’s. As soon as we walked in, she said ‘hey mommy… I know I can touch that trash can because it’s filled with blooooouuud.’ Yeah, maybe I should wait to talk about all of that puberty stuff and blood. I tried to be real but it’s awkward when they remember everything and there are other woman in the bathroom.
Then our Sunday nightmares took us to Kohl’s for a little shopping. Emily ran away and got lost because she couldn’t pick a toy for herself and was only getting toys for her cousins. I wanted to be like… Santa’s not coming to your house if you get lost here but I figured I wouldn’t say that and I went to find her instead.
Meanwhile, breakfast must have been so moving for Joe that he decided to take part in the Kohl’s bathroom tour of 2015. So he left me with like a million boxes and three kids.
I am looking through clothes when I hear, ‘Hi Nicholas… Oh! Hi Vincent!.’ And there they were. The boys were saying hello but not too each other but to their reflections in the mirror. Which is great because we don’t look nuts or anything. But let me tell you what made us look a little more crazy… The boys are screaming hello to themselves and I look down to see that Emily has dropped her pants and is walking through the aisles. Butt is out and all.
Joe finally comes back and I am having a small meltdown. I look over and Emily is now in the middle aisle holding up her shirt to all those passing by. Cool. My kid is a nudist.
Finally we are on our way home. Thank God because I didn’t think I would make another minute. Then we got home and the kids all fall asleep in the car but God forbid we can transfer them to their beds. So they were upstairs for like two hours playing like they were the best of friends but as soon as they come into our presence, it’s like WWIII. What the hell?
Then we are watching some tv… finally a little break! But no…Nicholas calls me his ‘cutie’ which is so adorable and he is my best cuddler, however today he was sitting on my lap with his hands down his pants. First of all, do this in your room Nicholas… not on your mom’s lap.
Finally, I told him to stop touch his man parts and to just put his hands in his pockets. He looks up at me and says, creepily I might add, ‘mommy… I can still touch my penis.’ Eww. Get off of me now.
After this incident the kids got very excited about the Eagles winning over the Patriots that they decided to force farts out of their butts. I was afraid that they were going crap their pants. But you know, now that we are home, no one wants to do the great bathroom tour of our house.
Meanwhile, both of them our now crop dusting the entire house and no one is owning up to the fart smell that distinctly smells like potato chips.
So yes… that was just the morning to early evening. And that is why I am now drinking a beer.
Until next time,
I really want some potato chips.