I have been giving this blog a lot of thought and I am in a bad place right now and I figured, maybe if I write out my thoughts, I would feel better. So yeah. Let’s write. But before you read this, I don’t want sympathy or sadness, I just want to get my thoughts out and maybe I can help one person.
Going to therapy is extremely hard. It’s been described to me as ripping up the road for construction, with detours and fresh gravel and it takes a long time to be repaved. I feel like I am a bridge that was getting repaved and then disaster struck and I had to collapse and start over.
I have found throughout my life that I have had a lot of abandonment issues and even more trust issues. My parents separated when I was in fifth grade, got back together and then divorced finally when I was nineteen. All you readers of divorced parents can sympathize with me about divorce. It’s horrible and it messes with your head. It affects your relationships with your significant other and even friends. If you are the family where your divorced parents are cordial and can talk without it being awkward, well, hey, good for you. That is not my family.
So since I was young, I had a lot of this abandonment and trust problems. Dad leaves physically and mom checks out mentally. My brother and sister did their own thing and so did I. We all took care of our needs in our own way. We all did what we had to do to survive. I have learned through therapy, there is no blame, it’s just that you have to accept it and work through it. For me it’s still a game of survival- like the freaking Hunger Games; I am still trying to just survive.
I am also going through a lot with people that I thought were my friends (read the blog ‘Losing a Friend’ or ‘Take Your Mom’s Advice’). People that I cared deeply for just left. Just like a poof of smoke they are gone. And you are left there wondering what you did or what you could have done differently to make them stay. All these unanswered questions that will never be answered because life never has closure. And that bothers me… the ‘why?’
So let me explain why I photograph abandoned buildings. I like to find abandoned buildings and take pictures of what used to be. All of these buildings have a history and have a story. You can feel the presence of the people that once walked the halls; the people that prayed for God’s guidance and the military officials that walked the grounds. I don’t just think about these people- I obsess over the history; the history of the people and the building.
My obsession comes from the why and the what if’s and the how could they? These buildings were once so beautiful but one day someone decided that this place wasn’t good enough and just got up and left. Where did the people go? Where is their stuff and why do they leave so much behind? Some many unanswered questions- questions that will never be answered. That really bothers me.
I am that abandoned building. I realized that I am so drawn to this photography because I have been tossed aside by family or friends that just decided that they don’t want me anymore. Don’t feel bad for me, don’t cry or have pity on me… I just want one person to listen.
On the outside, I look strong. I always joke around when I am at work or with friends and family but inside I am that dilapidated building. I am worn down, my paint is chipping and there are plenty of holes through my body. My insides feel like they can’t take another incident. I am in so much pain that my insides burn and I look for ways to find relief but find nothing that helps. I feel weathered and weak and I feel unwanted.
And that’s why I want to photograph everything and anything that is abandoned; it was once loved and beautiful and now it’s dilapidated and falling apart. Those buildings are out there weathering the storm and they continue to stand even though people that said they would be there never really kept their word. That’s me. Barely standing. Barely living. Barely able to take another blow. Therapy is my only choice if I want to see another day. It’s the day of the week I always looked forward to and still do.
One day I hope to feel better but right now it seems impossible but I have a good therapist and a great husband that believes I will get there. My ETA is undetermined; I am just following the detour signs to get back onto the main road like everyone else.
Until next time,
Detour up ahead
This is my photography page and all of my work is here. I have taken pictures in an abandoned tuberculosis hospital, an abandoned church and cemetery and an abandoned military site.
I hope you can ‘like’ the page while you visit and I hope you look at my work. If you have any places that are abandoned and you know their location, let me know. I am always looking for something new to photograph; it’s like my own way to give myself therapy.
Thanks for reading.