Christmas is always a time of great joy but I also want to share with you what I have learned over the last week:
1) when one of your kids gets three Christmas cards at school and the other two have none, what do you do? You give those other two the stack of 60 Christmas cards, that you haven’t opened, and tell them all the cards are their’s. Good plan until you have to speed read to three children and explain the family connection to all the picture cards all at one time.
2) When you realize Santa totally over bought for the kids and your husband suggests to take some stuff back but you are staring at him with divorce papers. Like hell I’m going back to the store.
3)when you have totally wrapped all the gifts and you only lose the tape and scissors once. I guess drinking while wrapping is helpful.
4) when you run out of tape and your husband can only find double sided tape and you are the idiot that is still using it like regular tape. Therefore, after you finish and you have all the presents stacked, and now you realize that they are all stuck together and ripping apart. Cool.
5) carrying presents up and down the stairs to the basement doesn’t make my bum ankle feel better. Thank God Santa has a sack. Haha… sack.
5) going up and down those stairs shows you that you have to jump. Jump right on that ‘it’s a new year, I should lose weight’ band wagon. My abs hurt from climbing stairs. That’s when you realize you are too fat to jump on that band wagon because I am too out of shape to physically jump.
6) when you go to the late mass and your children are overly tired and then they ask how Jesus died; because I don’t have a filter, I explain what happened. Meanwhile, I look at my husband for guidance and his head is in his hands but he isn’t praying.
7) because of your no filter, your kids become depressed over Jesus and demand to see him. I tell them that Jesus is in their heart but it’s not enough.
8) when your kids are on the kneeler at church and ask if there will be popcorn. You don’t have volume control either, much like your children, and you yell ‘no Jesus is not giving out popcorn.’ The people in the front of you bust out laughing and the kids are still wondering if there will be snacks.
9) when Santa buys the nerf dart guns and the boys have done the following: shot the pictures and the tv. And also lost a magazine and at least 11 out of 20 darts. Good job kids… you made Santa cry.
10) your daughter gets a scooter and you just let her to ride around the house because going outside would take more effort.
11) when you say goodnight to your kid and he says how much he misses Jesus and he is currently making the crucifix walk. And he is like… ‘look mommy Jesus is walking.’ Is this the time to explain that this is not proper and we have to do some penance?
12)your house looks like a bomb went off and you found a new drink- hot chocolate and coconut rum. You are constantly looking at the house hoping that you will care about the mess but then you are also looking at the clock wondering if it’s too early to drink.
I decided to keep the mess and have some hot chocolate instead. I have the tv on so I am not drinking alone because there are people talking to me through the tv. I feel like that counts.
Hope you and your family had a great holiday season. Mine was busy, messy and full of double sided tape. But we had that small miracle when Jesus was walking on the cross. Now excuse me while I drink and go do ten Hail Mary’s and ten Our Father’s.
Until next time,
Rolling my fat ass on the bandwagon in like a week.