I Am Under the Barrel

If you have been following my blog, you know that I am dealing with depression  and working very hard with an amazing therapist.

Even though the effort is there and there in a big way, I still have days where I feel like giving up. I just want to throw in the towel and say, ‘fuck it. I’ve had enough.’

People that don’t have depression don’t always understand that thought or that moment of rock bottom. People who suffer don’t want to hear, ‘it will get better’, ‘time will heal all wounds and my most favorite, ‘why don’t you smile more and just decide to be happy.’

Attention people that want to help: that doesn’t help. You don’t get it, so get your head out of your ass. I would rather you just tell me that you don’t understand and then take me out for bacon and milkshakes.

It’s not that difficult. Stop treating me like I have some crazy disease that you have to walk on eggshells around. Do you walk on eggshells around people with diabetes? No- You don’t.

So even though I go through moments of ‘fuck it, I’m out’… and I mean literally, there are still moments that I have that are genuine. Moments that make me pause and say ‘no. I want to stay.’ And it’s not when you tell me to be happy you assholes.

Last night, Joe and I were play fighting. We have been together for almost fifteen years and every night that we have been together, we hold hands as we fall asleep. You might think it’s gross but I’m not holding your hand so shut it.

Either way, I refused my hand and then quickly recanted and held his hand. When he asked why I told him this, “because I never want to wake up and find that you are gone or that I am gone and I chose not to hold your hand. I would have always wanted that one moment back. That one night back.”

Joe said that that was so sad and it is but I don’t know where I will be in fifty years or five minutes. I don’t know if I will live- you don’t know if you will live.

Every time you laugh, it may be your last. Every time you hug or kiss that wonderful person in your life it could be the last hug or kiss that you receive. And every time you drift off to sleep, holding hands it may be your last time.

Life is full of ups and downs and my life is below the freaking barrel. I do want to give up but I would miss the hugs of my children and drifting off to sleep, while holding hands with my loving husband.

I have learned through therapy, I have to pause and live in the moment. Every second may be hard but every moment that I get through is a success for me. Everything in baby steps.

Until next time,


If you have thoughts of suicide or self harm, talk to someone you can trust or contact the suicide hotline. We all need to take it moment by moment. ♡


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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