New Year; New Me My Ass

So like the rest of the world, my new resolution is to lose weight. Counting calories and exercising. I liked my old way of exercising… the tv changer is heavy and takes a lot of lifting and clicking.

Either way, they say if you do something for a month it becomes a healthy habit. A month? Really? If I do it twice in a row I call that a success.

So here I am, counting calories and swimming at 5am before school starts. First off, there isn’t enough coffee in the world to help me get through and the rest of society should fear me.

But let me explain to you day three of swimming at 5am…

Day 3. Up at 5am. Get my fat ass in a bathing suit and go to the gym. I think to myself… ‘yeah! You can DO this!’ Three days of exercise is a fat girls equivilant of a month of exercise while burning in hell.

So I get out my flip flops and goggles and realize I didn’t pack a towel. So I figured, screw it. I’m already up, I should get into the damn pool. Well, here’s problem… I finish in the pool and I’m wet. I thankfully have a shammy that I had from my diving days. It’s only like sixteen years old and falling apart and is probably filled with weird germs, but it helps to dry me off a bit and then it hits me. I have an enormous body and enormous body mass. I mean my body is everywhere and I have to take a shower to get ready for work.

So here I am in the shower. Naked. I don’t have a towel to cover me up on my walk back to my locker so I am literally drying off with my shammy and trying to put on my clothes in the shower.

Have you ever tried to put on a bra while wet in a small space? First of all, I’m a big girl and I have to clasp that bra in the front and twist it to the back and then secure the ladies. When I tried to put on this bra while I was still wet from the shower, it looked like I was a bad belly dancer having a seizure.

And to all you skinny girls that can put your bra on in the front and clasp it in the back without moving… screw you. You’re  like a contortionist. Knock it off and eat something.

So in conclusion, I have been swimming for five days in total and I have been counting my calories. I am doing well… still look like a large mammal but I’ve lost eleven pounds so far. This may be why I am so cold now… I have lost my blubber.

Until next time,

Pass the chocolate cake and someone help me to secure the ladies.


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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