So yesterday was extremely interesting. It started off with my regular 5 am swim, but this time, instead of forgetting a towel, I forgot underwear. Not a big deal… guys can ‘free ball’ it so I figured I can ‘free ovary’ it. Everything went well but going outside afterwards was a wake up to my lady parts. I didn’t realize what type of protection underwear gives you- Thank you ‘Hanes Her Way!’
I rushed home to get Vincent and a pair of underwear and when I get inside Emily is talking to me about nothing. She is almost four and she started talking in a language that I didn’t understand. She was just rambling about princesses, ponies and doing her hair and nails. But it wasn’t in any kind of order so I just nodded my head like I knew what the hell she was talking about. Trying to get out of the house for work is difficult when your three your old is hanging on to you still talking about princesses.
Then Vincent and I are on our way to school. I ask him the usual mom questions: ‘are you excited about the school day? Are you excited to see you friends? Blah, blah, blah.’
And then he began answering me but I wasn’t understanding his answers and then I realized, my son is talking to me in tv and movie quotes. At this point, I am slowly giving up with conversation but I figured I would try one more time. However, conversation doesn’t work well if the other person has his coat over his head, trying to sleep. Yeah, he is six and already putting his coat over his head. Am I boring you that much? I’m sorry, you make me watch ‘Caliou’ and ‘PJ Masks’ on loop. You don’t see me putting a blanket over my head to sleep while you are watching tv. I sleep right out in the open because I have respect. God, be respectful and just tell me that I am boring.
Then I went to work. I stole souls and crushed some dreams. Then I left.
I picked up Vincent and then the younger two and as I am coming out the to car with Nicholas and Emily, Vincent is screaming ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ So the kid hops out of the car and I don’t know what to do so I let him pee in the snow. As I am letting him pee, here comes one of Emily’s teachers who parked right next to us, trying to get into her car. Yeah, that might have been embarrassing, until Vincent starts screaming, ‘I peed my pants!’ And this poor woman is still trying to leave for the day. So here is Vincent crying that he is wet. I have to strip him down… there was pee everywhere… even in his shoes. Can some guy explain to me how you pee in your shoes? So I literally take off everything and tell him to ride home naked. I turn around and there is Nicholas… he has taken off all of his clothes because, well, why the hell not? So I am taking home two naked boys and one little girl who is thankfully, still dressed for a small blizzard. Thank God I didn’t get pulled over because that would be hard to explain.
When we get home, Joe is already home. I get out of the car and I tell him, ‘I can’t make this shit up.’ And as the doors of my minivan slowly open, two little naked boys come out of the damn car butt naked in the middle of winter.
There are no words. I just can’t make this stuff up.
Until next time,
My minivan is the equivalent of a naked clown car.