Having kids is like having a mini version of yourself in a drunken rage.
Let’s go through some of my kids ‘drunken rage’ examples:
1) you ask them to go to the bathroom but they whine and say they don’t have to go but then when you finally get them there they pee like they have been holding it for a lifetime. Is peeing really that difficult?
2)it’s time to leave except one little girl doesn’t want to put on her shoes. And then she has no idea which foot the shoe goes on. And you leave and she still doesn’t have shoes.
3) you get in the car and the little girl asks where her shoes are. Wtf? You refused to put them on. Don’t you remember?
4) one kid passes out in the car but he was talking a few seconds ago.
5) there is a huge issue when the kids unbuckle their seat belt and then won’t put it on but instead kick the seat and flounder around like a fish.
6) they ask what there is for lunch and when you say ‘sandwiches’ they freak out because they want McDonald’s. Not just freak out but there are tears and kicking and screaming. I guess when you are in that ‘drunken rage,’ you just want grease.
7) they’re all tired but no one refuses to sleep. They just want to keep the rave going. Where are the glow sticks?
8) they never want to get dressed. So it’s like they want to do the walk of shame all day… in their pajamas.
9) it’s snack time, so it makes sense to eat popcorn with a spoon. I can’t even get you to eat cereal with a spoon. Last night you put rice in your water and then drank it. But why?
10) the only way to convince them that they should go to bed is by giving them a piggy back. You have to entertain them with crazy stories like ‘click, clack, moo,’ which they find hilarious. Then when story time is over, one of them is on the floor asking for someone to help them up because it is physically impossible to get up when you are six years old.
So drunken rages are hard when you are adults but when you have kids in that ‘drunken rage,’ you can’t negotiate. It’s like negotiating with terrorists. I just can’t handle these rages. And tonight, when I go upstairs, I can guarantee that they will all be naked…even though they all went to bed with pajamas.
Until next time,
I probably should drink so I can be on my kids level.