Life is full of ups and downs. And now I have to figure out what to do with it.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder makes you feel like you’re alone; mostly because you assume you will be abandoned by everyone anyway. It doesn’t matter how many people are around me or who is ‘there for me.’ What I need to learn is how I can be there for myself.
Most times, I’m not here for myself or my family; I want to escape, I wanna leave, I want to run. I want to hurt myself; I want to hide from the world. I want to hide from the deep part that is within me that is in so much pain.
I want to run and escape… I want to run into the open meadows and into the dark forest because I feel like that’s where I should be.
Some days, I come out into the meadow and can feel the warmth of the sun and there are some days I hate myself so much that I burrow into the ground and wait… wait for the end.
I wait for people to stay with me, to want to stay with me, to want to love me. I wait for me to love me.
The hardest part is when you repeatedly get knocked down by people; by life. It takes air out of your lungs when people constantly beat you down. Something happens and your emotions take over and aphixate your windpipe. Crushing it until there is nothing left.
Unfortunately, I feel dead today. I feel numb. I’m hiding in the forest. It’s dark and I’m alone. I am currently at a retreat this weekend and that’s not enough. My heart and head are so clouded with runaway thoughts that even the warmth of God can’t break through the thick, green tree tops of the dark forest.
I reach out for help. I reach out to my therapist because today is so bad. My breath is fading, my world is fading in and out.
I need to find the light; I need to find the strength to carry on. And I realize the light is within me. It’s dim, it’s flickering, but it’s there. Only oxygen can keep the flame going; and only breathing steadily in and out will keep oxygen in my lungs.
Living like this is barely living but I need to work hard, even when it is exhausting because I love my family and that helps me. They keep me going. And one day, I will learn to work hard for not just my family, but for me as well. Someday I will realize and discover that I matter.
Until next time,