You haven’t heard from me because my son and I were in a terrible car accident on Tuesday. I passed out at the wheel, I don’t know why (I am waiting to be tested) and we hit another car and rolled into a ditch- I didn’t ‘wake up’ until the car skidded to a stop.
Luckily, my son was okay and I just have a major concussion and I look like a Dalmatian from all the bruises. But it could have been worse, so I’m happy to be alive and I thank God we’re okay; especially, Vincent.
You know, just that afternoon, I wanted to tell my therapist that I needed to be put somewhere… anywhere. I called her and just hearing her voice and knowing I had someone on the other end of the phone was extremely helpful for my depression and my thoughts. I wanted to take a break. I wanted a break from life and I wanted a break from me; it’s hard being within myself- it’s exhausting.
I think God works in mysterious ways because I got exactly what I wanted- I was put in the hospital, I took a break from life and here I am, with a giant concussion sitting in the dark and doing all this by voice recording.
That accident for me was a wake up call. A sign that I need to accept what is and let go of what isn’t.
I know I am not healed from my depression- not by a long shot. Having BPD takes years of the right therapy and being mindful of the present and letting go. I’m not healed yet, but for that split moment I was thankful. I’m thankful my son walked away without a scratch, I’m thankful that I had a chance to walk out too. I mean, we walked out of the sunroof, so I was thankful for those fifteen pounds I lost… but I am glad we are ok and for that split moment, I was awakened and realized how good life can be.
I’m looking forward to getting better so I can enjoy life on a daily basis. Not just my family and my loved ones and friends but also myself. Day in and day out I’ve just been hating myself; internalizing everything wishing for something different, wishing for things to end and I realize in that split second, life could have ended.
I’m happy that I got a chance to hold my husband again, I’m happy that I had a chance to hold my babies and tell them all that I love them. I’m happy that I had a chance to take a break even if I’m bored to tears. I’m taking a break from life- a much needed silent break to be with my thoughts. A break to face my most inner thoughts and to face my demons as they say. And no
mom, I’m not possessed.
I am hoping that when I go to the doctors they will figure out what happened but right now I’m just happy sitting in silence. I love my family but I needed the silence so I was forced to sit with myself and fall in love with myself again. However, like any other love, it will take time, patience and most importantly, acceptance.
In order to change, I have to work my ass off in therapy and change my thoughts and realize that I am good enough. Accepting and loving myself is going to take time but I need to start to get out of this black hole of depression. This accident was like a rope tossed to me in a dark hole; now I just have to remember how to climb.
Until next time,