I am sitting in silence. The buzzing in my ears is all too familiar but the quiet envelops me. It wraps my body like a warm blanket.
My mood is neither here nor there.
My silent suffering comes whether I invite it or not. It hides under my bed like the monsters I used to run from when I was young.
In the mid-day sun or the shadows of night is where my depression lives. It sits and it waits much like a lion about to pounce on its prey. It is always there just beyond my reach but it’s a part of me that is hard to shake.
Sometimes I wonder who am I? I sit here and listen to the buzzing in my ears and ‘wonder who am I?’ I don’t know who I am because I never had a chance to just be. How do you discover who you are at thirty-six? I have to learn to trust. Even the word makes me nauseous. Perhaps, in time?
I watch the flames dancing in the fireplace now. They move freely; one yellow-orange flicker after another. What would it be like to dance and be free- to follow that smoke up into the sky and move with the breeze? Only God knows and I’m not ready yet.
Until next time,