Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s out there. Whether you have children of your own or you are a mother figure to other kids, we can all celebrate because it takes a village to raise a child.
Now onto what it means to be a mom…
Today, I had a nice mother’s day with my kids. They brought me breakfast in bed and helped me eat it. Joe thankfully went to check on them and my bagel was cooking for forty-five minutes. I also got a glass of whole milk, which we all shared and then they showered me with beautiful gifts…
I got three beautiful cards, two pieces of candy and a rock.
Let’s discuss what it’s like for me to be a mom:
1) I got fat when I was pregnant.
2) because of these pregnancies, my stomach looks like an atlas. I could easily get you from point A to point B… no problem. ETA- however long it takes you to trace my stretch marks from point A to point B.
3) I find mymllself spooning random children in the middle of the night.
4) no one ever sleeps; mostly me.
5) I have never eaten a full meal on my own.
6) my food is never hot. I’m the freaking cook and I still don’t get a hot meal.
7) there is dirty underwear all over the house… in places it shouldn’t be. Emily found some of her brother’s dirty underwear and wore it as a hat.
8) I’m on a lot of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Coincidence?
9)When I go out, I think of a bar as a buffet.
10) Vincent laughed so hard yesterday that he peed on Joe’s side of the bed. That was funny.
11) My kids can only fart when they are in close proximity to my face. Since I can never close my mouth, it’s like I am eating it.
12) It’s a pleasure to hold someone else’s boogers and earwax… especially in the middle of the night.
13) I enjoy countless hours of princesses or cars and then I get a thank you when I step on that son of a bitch in the dark.
14) wiping a butt that is not my own.
15) not pooping on my own without people banging down the door like their ass is on fire.
16) making a wholesome dinner. I can’t lie, everything is frozen or comes in a box.
17) My seven year old thinks money grows on trees. We gave him $10 for his lunch account- enough for five lunches. It was gone in two days. Joe and I are convinced that he bought the whole cafeteria a round of fruit snacks on his lunch account. Fruit snacks for all!
18) the kids are constantly hungry and thirsty and growing out of their clothes… I can’t keep up. Nicholas keeps putting on his pajamas and he looks like Peter Pan with a belly shirt.
19) the constant audio playing in my head is all from cartoons.
20) I actually quote those cartoons in regular adult conversation but no one gets it.
21) I hate Cailiou and his parents because they are unrealistic and are probably high because they don’t realize how annoying their son is.
22)I have completely lost hearing in at least one ear from the constant screaming. The kids scream high enough that even dogs can hear them.
23)The kids are darling… they constantly ooze bodily fluids. Last week, I woke up to Nicholas wiping his nose on my shirt and using it as a tissue.
24) sometimes I am the only means of constant entertainment. The summers are my hardest performance.
25) I feel like my constant cleaning is for nothing. Especially, the kitchen floor when it has food from God knows when and when you notice that the boys can’t get their pee flow into the giant hole of a toliet.
So happy mother’s day to all you people out there! Always remember that you are a mother to many; your own children or not.
Until next time,
Just another mom living that special dream. Some days may be a struggle but their laughter and love is worth it. As long as they aren’t laughing at you.