Yes, I will admit it… I am fat. It’s not a secret, mostly because I represent a spherical shape. I am kind of like those weeble wobbles… I sway to and fro but I never fall down. Unless I am exercising, then I most definitely will fall… on my face.
I decided to write this post because I stupidly decided to cut the bushes out front. I don’t like manual labor but I figured, ‘Hey, second day of summer, let’s cut things.’ Stupid idea.
First, I am round and trying to get in-between the bushes is like trying to shove a whole donut in your mouth. Yes, it’s possible but it’s not pretty.
And then I am using electric hedge clippers. Sounds fun right? Well it’s not because my body is violently shaking from the vibrations and not in a good way. Now my arms are shaking… I mean now. I am still shaking violently and my arms feel like jelly. I don’t even like jelly unless it’s with peanut butter.
But clearly you can see my problems. And then I started to sweat. I hate sweating. Maybe it’s natural but so is being nude. I would love to run around naked but people would be frightened. Sweating is gross and I am not just talking about a light glistening on my skin. I was sweating and sweating under my boobs. Boob sweat is gross and unnecessary. And don’t get me started about my back fat. I know I am not painting a pretty picture but it’s a realistic picture. You know how Red Bull gives you wings? So does back fat. I could take flight on a windy day.
So then I have to shower again. God, all I wanted to do was have a cup of coffee and watch Good Morning America in the morning but no… now I am sweating, have jelly arms and can’t watch tv. So here I am getting naked… don’t make that face, it’s natural. Anyway, I am getting ready for the shower and my bra broke from carrying around my giant melons. Then as I took off my underwear, I realized if my back fat ever did make me air born, I would use my giant, Hanes Her Way, to gently parachute back down to safety. In fact, my underwear is so big, I could probably save a plane full of people in an emergency situation. I can hear it now, ’emergency exits are here and here but if we start going down, please
Make your way to row 24, seat A… and just grab on as we will all be able to parachute to safety.’
So now here I am on my second day of summer watching a taped Good Morning America, while being naked with some iced coffee in my hand. Why? Because it’s the summer and I can.
Until next time,
Manual labor is stupid and I am round.