The other day I had a splinter in my finger from taking a little field trip to new abandoned, burned out house to take photographs. I must have touched the door frame and got this splinter. I thought I was covered with poison ivy from head to toe but by the grace of God, I dodged that.
And that was when I realized that you don’t ever really feel a body part until it hurts. Like my baby toe. I don’t feel it unless I step on something… Probably on a freaking lego. I never really thought about my finger until I had a tiny, little piece of wood. And that small piece of wood hurt so bad! Not to mention the X-acto knife I had to use to cut it out.
And that’s what my life is like right now. Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)is like finally feeling part of your body that you have been trying so hard to ignore. And that little, piece of wood is like all of the bullshit that we all deal in everyday life but mine is exacerbated like a million times more. It’s like a million splinters from that burned out house.
Having BPD is a roller coaster of fears and emotions. I fear a lot of things I cannot control, like the future and the past. I still obsess over being left by people whom I thought I could trust and I worry about what the future holds. I play the what if and should have game, especially when people leave me. Like I’m not good enough or I wasn’t worth being loved. People don’t realize how little, insignificant comments or gestures could break a person. Break their livelihood and break their self-worth. This recently happened to me and it’s hard to let go and realize it’s not me, it’s them.
I am starting to learn through therapy that my journey is going to be long and hard. I currently believe that I am worthless, I still believe that life would be better if I didn’t exist; however, I know that is not true and something I have conditioned myself to feel.
Many people in life are going to hurt you, damage you, bring you down and then crap on you when you are already rolling around on the floor. I feel like literally, I have been tossed aside by people who swore they would be with me and never abandon me but their talk was all lies. They never cared about me. I was only worth something when it was convient for them and when I was worth their time.
So I am damaged. I am broken but I know I will get better. But when?
Before I got my splinter, I couldn’t feel my useless finger. But then, when I touched that door frame and got that splinter, it was like the worst thing that ever happened to this little finger. And because of that stupid splinter, I had to cut it out to feel better. That splinter is like the bullshit that I deal with- the memories; the sadness; the abandonment; the perception that I am not good enough.
And what did I do? I took a knife to that mofo and cut into my skin for a good forty-five minutes until I popped it out. The cutting was painful, hard and long and that is just like my therapy. The forty-five minutes of cutting, healing and getting out that splinter was worth it and so will the three years of therapy.
The only way to get rid of the hurt is to cut it out and let it go. I will never forget that damn splinter because the ramifications still hurt but one day I will heal like this stupid finger.
Moral of the story- watch out for burned out abandoned door frames.
Splinters are impossible to avoid but know that you have to cut it out to heal.
Cut that bad boy out and move the hell on, no matter how impossible it feels, how much it hurts or how long it takes.
Until next time,
Cut out the splinter before it destroys your finger and you die.
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