So yesterday, Vincent told Nicholas that he was going to kick him in the nuts. I busted out laughing because I have been waiting for this day. Thank you public school! So I calmly, through the bouts of laughter, told Vincent that he should use the word testicles.
Fast forward through the day until last night when Nicholas started laughing and told us that he just slapped Joe in the ‘technicals.’ Haha.
And then there is this morning. This post is dedicated to all the women out there who know an idiotic male…
I got my period this morning. You may say eww… but I say… yay, I’m not pregnant. Either way, I asked Joe to leave me the whole bottle of ibuprofen because I think I am dying. And he doesn’t get it. So I told him I was going to punch him in the ‘technicals’ for five to seven days so he would understand the pains of being a woman.
So here is a list of things you should not say to a woman on her period or near her period or ever. Assholes… I mean, guys, pay attention.
1. Well, you didn’t have cramps when you were laying down.
-No shit. I was sleeping.
2. Oh no, you got your period?
-No. I just like to hold tampons.
3. In the Amazon, they send the women out of the village when they have their period.
-I would welcome that. It would mean a week away every month. Bleeding or not, it would be a vacation from the stupid things you are saying to me at this moment.
4. Why do you need all that ibuprofen?
-Listen asshole. I need it because it feels like 1,000 knives are repeatedly hitting me in the ovaries.
5. When you leave your box of tampons in the downstairs bathroom it makes me feel uncomfortable because people can see them.
-Listen. I am not running up and down the stairs to get a tampon. If people get uncomfortable looking at a box, then they have bigger issues.
6. You seem angry. Is it almost ‘that time?’
-Hold up. Did you just ask me if it’s almost ‘that time?’ First of all, it happens every month- it’s not a secret and when it’s ‘that time,’ I will rip you to shreds with my words and my actions. Are you still intact? Ok… then shut up.
7. Whoa. You are actually doing laundry?
-Yes. Mostly to spare you. Laundry is not in my marriage contract but I am doing it out of the kindness of my heart so you don’t pass out.
8. Are you almost done?
-Is this a pickup line to get in my pants because it’s not working. At this point I will be bleeding… like forever.
9. Ok. I went to the BJ’s but I couldn’t get your period stuff because the store was closing.
-Really? Really. Yet you spent over a $100 before the store closed. And it’s called tampons. Say the word… taaaaampoooons. It’s not called period stuff. However, good thing we have mini bagels and frozen chicken… that will really help my period issues.
10. Are you going to eat that?
-What. Did. You. Just. Say?
Guys, stop being idiots because I have no problems stabbing you in the ‘technicals’ this week.
Until next time,
Pass me a box of period stuff… asshole.