To: ‘My Friend.’

An open letter to you:

I don’t think you will ever know how much I hurt. How many days and nights I think about what I must have done to have you hate me so much. What I did to make you turn on me and emotionally abuse me the way you did. Do you know how many days I go without thinking about you? None. I think about you everyday. The hurtful memories are still very much on the surface and I relive them on a daily basis. Over and over again my mind it turns. I don’t even respect myself enough to walk away from a bad friendship and I don’t respect myself enough to even walk away from a bad memory. Each day you still emotionally have a hold on me. I try to shake it but I cry instead. You told me that you wouldn’t leave but you fucking lied to me. Left me and watched me die piece by piece from afar.

I still think of the fun times when we would make each other laugh or we would make fun of people together on the dance floor or the creepy guy in the corner. I still think of those times too and wonder what I did so wrong to you. Those memories are starting to fade and I wonder if they are fading for you too?

Eventually you will forget me but I can’t forget. You were such a big part of my life for two years. Being my mentor and friend… I thought my best friend.

I have so many attachment issues and I know you know me in and out. You know how to make me hurt and you knew how much I trusted you. You know how much I loved you and you used my feelings against me. Why? I will never get answers for this, it’s just ‘rhetorical  and I can never make sense out of nonsense’ as you once said to me.

Yeah, I know you still read my blog. It was pretty obvious that day in June and it will be obvious when I see you in August. I guess it makes sense that you would use my feelings against me because you have been doing it all along anyway.

I know you will show ‘your world’ this blog. You will probably make fun of it; laughing at my pain and laughing at my attachment and my abandonment issues. You can laugh, that’s OK. But I’m not laughing. I’m still crying, pretty much every day. I don’t even want to live most days. The not knowing is the hardest. And when I don’t know, I internalize everything and then I believe I did something wrong. However, I know I didn’t. I wish you did.

Keep up with me. When I am the most depressed and the most hopeless, I write about you because you are the one that caused my hopelessness. I was hopeless before but you just did what you said you wouldn’t. You told me that you would stay and you didn’t. You were so mean to me and I tried to just help and tried to take care of myself.

I think when you called me stupid and threatened my family and my life, I had to get out. And you know what is super fucked up? Sometimes I still miss you. And that is fucked up.

Until next time,

Let me just go.

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BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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