Pay attention people. This is a list of things that piss me off. So don’t do them because then I will basically label you as an asshole.
1. Not saying thank you.
-What the hell is wrong with you. It’s two little words ass wipe.
2. People that bring their dogs to outdoor restaurants.
-I love dogs but I don’t like their hair blowing in the wind and then their hair floating in my food. The only thing that should float in the air are dandelion seeds… your dog is not a dandelion.
3. People that work in customer service but aren’t polite.
-If you are going to be an asshole, then work in a cubicle. In the basement. Away from people. In the dark.
4. People who drive in the left lane.
-Get the hell out of the left lane. I am late and you are driving slower than an Amish buggy after Sunday service.
5. People that smoke and vape.
-I don’t care that you do it. Congrats. What I do care about is that when you do it, I am emerging from a cloud of smoke. The only people that should emerge from smoke like that are magicians after they make their annoying sidekicks disappear. Go find somewhere else to vape- I don’t care if it smells like coconut and lemongrass.
-Listen, unless you are bleeding or dying, I don’t want to hear about it.
7. Cleaning with children
-First, I don’t think it’s necessary because they mess it up anyway. And if they eat dirt, well, that’s less that I have to cook.
-People hate that I’m blunt… I hate that you lie. Just tell people how it is. Why sugar coat things? I keep a tally of how many people I can make cry. If you are in my tally, sorry, I’m not sorry. Get a tissue.
9. People that don’t understand sarcasm.
-Are you that incapable of laughing? It’s not hard… just get your head out of your ass and maybe you will get it. People that are sarcastic are funny. The reason we are sarcastic is because we are trying our best not to punch you in the face. But no worries, we are daydreaming about it.
10. People who don’t believe in daily survival techniques.
-I’m not talking about making a small fire out of rocks. I’m talking about drinking when things get tough. Dear God, day drinking is normal. We should all be allowed to drink no matter what time it is. ‘Five o’clock somewhere?’ I say is it ‘o’clock?’ Have a beer.
Until next time,
Stop being an ass and follow these general rules when you are around me.