Girl Time

I love spending quality time with my baby girl. Today we did church, lunch and then watched a movie. Here are some of the highlights:

1) She told me that she didn’t want me to catch fire. 

-Ok. Done.

2) She kissed me during church. Except she kissed me on my boob. 

-Awkward 

3) She told me she missed Jesus because he is dead and then was disgusted that I was going to drink his blood. 

-Sweet and I might have taken an extra few sips of Jesus.

4) Emily took her usual bathroom tour right during the Eucharist and right when our food came out at Friendly’s. 

-The bathroom tour of 2016 continues. I am starting to sell shirts. The back is going to say, ‘just kidding, I just had to fart.’

5) She told me that she was happy Fulley got a new family. I was clearly confused.

-Apparently, she could sense that I did not share in her excitement because i found out that Fulley is a cheetah on a cartoon.

Great day with a great little peanut. 

Until next time,

I am glad I didn’t catch fire and burn.

I Hate Camping

To all my adoring fans (haha), sorry I have been out of touch this past week. We went on vacation and there was no time to write.

I am finding that I don’t write as much when I am depressed and when I feel lost. Sometimes it is hard to participate in the moment and get out of my thoughts and to get out of my head. Life sometimes is too hard.

The other day, in group therapy, we had to talk about how we invalidate ourselves and how to turn it around to validate ourselves. It sounds so simple but yet, it was so hard. It’s hard to see the good in yourself. People tell me all the time, oh, you are a good teacher and a good mom but I don’t feel it and nor do I see it.

This blog describes what it feels like to be inside of myself and explains why I feel like just letting myself go. 

I find myself feeling alone, even in a crowded place and my only way out is too escape.

Then I leave and retreat into my own thoughts and my own head. It’s like running into the forest and just going deeper and deeper but I didn’t leave any fucking breadcrumbs.

The forest envelopes me and I can feel the shade of the tree shielding me from life. Nothing can get me here; I am hidden from the world. The deeper I go, the darker it gets. My mind thinks of things that nobody should think of and I can feel myself retreating further and further into solace and what I think is a refuge but it turns into a prison.

I can occasionally see the sun through the trees. The warmth hits my face and it gives me hope but as quickly as it comes, it goes just as fast. All I am left with is the gentle warmth on my skin until it slowly fades away.

My thoughts go up and down much like the hills and drops of the forest. I trip not once, not twice but many times over the tree roots. My thoughts get in the way of trying to live a normal life. I can hear a voice far in the distance telling me that she will never give up on me and that she cares for me. I can hear the voice in the distance but sometimes it seems like it’s so far away and I am so tired of walking in this forest. I’m so tired of walking alone.

Three times a week, I can come out of the forest for a brief time. I can hear her voice telling me that she won’t give up on me but I have to work. She will not work harder than me but she will not let me fail either. Three times a week, I can come out of the forest into a lush meadow where I can see clearly. The sunlight gives me hope and it feels warm on my face and more importantly in my heart. I can see clearly, I can think clearly and I can believe that there is good in this world. I can see good in me through the eyes of another.

My eyes blur with tears and my body starts to collapse. Forty-five minutes is over and I feel good briefly but then it starts all over again; back into the forest. 

Maybe this time, my stay will be shorter and maybe next time I will enter the meadow on my own. Maybe next time… 

And no matter how many times I go back and forth, I know I will not be alone because there is still that one person’s voice telling me that she believes in me.

I believe her. I trust her wholeheartedly and I know she cares about me and wants to see me get better. Because of her, I want to get better and I want to get out of this forest of thought and stop fucking camping. I want to get out into the meadow and see the stars. I want my thoughts to be as clear as the night sky.

I know she will help me get to that meadow and she will help me set up my life so I can see the night sky clearly. I have to work to get there and this is going to be a long hike but one I don’t have to do alone.

Until next time, 

Allison

Colleen, thank you for believing in me and thank you for that brief time, three times a week, when I can see the stars.

Fucking Legos

Legos are stupid, Legos are dumb. Legos hurt my giant thumb. 

‘Yes, I will pry that off for you. I just want you to be happy.’ I want you to be happy until I step on that mother fucker and curse the lego master. The one who created this disaster.

Who makes a thousand tiny pieces? Some are even clear. Is that some kind of sick joke? Do you want to see some little kid choke?

Because as soon as I step on the clear piece in the middle of the night, it takes all my power and all my might, not to choke the kid that left the Legos on the floor; spread through the living room from door to door.

No. I am going to muffle my screams and my obscenities. Nevermind, fuck it. I will break the silence of the night screaming and holding my foot as I jump in and out of the moonlight.

I will win this fight. I vow this here and now that I will destroy all the Legos before they break my foot. I feel like I need a drink or my own private bar. Yes, there will be no more rockets, airplanes or cars. 

Do you know why? Because half of the pieces have been embedded in my fucking toe. It’s ok… I am just going to sit here and cry because I can’t get them out and I will probably die.

Until next time,

I hate two things: Legos and Cailou.

The Republican Convention: I Have Questions…

When Donald Trump says that he is going to ‘build a wall between America and Mexico. It’s going to be a big wall… very, very big and it’s going to be a Great Wall…’

So, my question is, does he need permission from China to use the name, ‘Great Wall?’ I mean the name is already taken so I feel like he should ask permission…

Until next time,

Get a patent first

Whoops.

As much as I joke around that my kids drive me crazy… which I’m not joking, they do. But sometimes they are the best.

I had to share this video because it popped up on my memories in Facebook and it still makes me laugh. This was taken two years ago but you have to watch it till the end.

Until later today,

Ellen Degeneres… I am waiting for your phone call. 

Entitlement and the Next Generation

I am a big advocate for helping people on the side of the road. The ones that hold up the signs that say they are hungry and need help and I am not one to brag that I do it, but today comes with a reason of why I bring this up.

My kids and I were coming home from the library… and no, we weren’t checking out books but were watching a free movie and eating popcorn. Don’t get your hopes too high, we didn’t go to the library to read or anything.

Either way, we are coming home and I see this young woman on the side of the road begging for help. She wasn’t on our side of the street so I asked my kids if they wanted to get her something to eat. Two of my children said yes, and one said no. I am not going to tell you who it was and no, you don’t have to guess. But I realized what the hell is wrong with you, my own child, that you don’t want to help this person? I understand they are little and don’t grasp the concept so I tried to throw in a bible verse of ‘whatever you do for the least of my brothers, you also do for me.’ -Jesus… yeah, I don’t know the exact bible verse or gospel but he said it ok?

Anyway, we go to McDonald’s and I get as much food as I can and a large drink for the woman. I also gave her some money to help with whatever she needed. The woman was so grateful that she kept saying, ‘are you serious? This is all for me? Oh my God. Thank you!’ She hugged my arm and couldn’t wait to eat. She didn’t know what to eat first but just tore into the box and kept thanking me. I said to my kids, ‘do you see how hungry she was? And we just helped her and that’s what life is about… helping others.’

And as I am driving home, I am hoping and praying that I am not raising entitled children. Yeah, they are young now but what about the students I teach thinking that life is just going to hand them anything they want because they are rich, or poor, or white, or black or because they feel that they are fucking entitled?!

Listen, life comes at you no matter your age, gender, sexual preference or race. Life comes at you and you need to be ready for it; otherwise it is going to kick you in the fucking ass. I am sick of having people feel entitled because of their past or their future or who they know in the community. Entitlement is for pricks- plain and simple.

If you want something- go get it. Help each other. Help each other to get there and I mean really help each other. Trying to explain a simple necessity, like this woman is hungry to my kids and one of my children not giving two shits, made me want to write this blog. I will be damned if I raise a kid that thinks they are entitled because we are in a comfortable position to afford a life where our kids don’t need to worry about the next meal or where they are sleeping at night.

Life is not about who you know. Life is about how you live. Love is necessary. Compassion is a must and entitlement in this country needs to stop. My kid is never getting a fucking IPhone. My kids are going to have two tin cans and a fucking piece of string. You aren’t entitled to those things- you earn them.

So what I am saying is help out your fellow human being. Be compassionate and stop being so fucking judgmental. The judgement is not for you to decide- toss it up and leave it up to whatever higher power you believe in. But I know that woman was starving and I could see the happiness and gratitude in her eyes.

So stop letting our kids be entitled for something that they think they deserve and start making them see that they need to earn it instead.

Until next time,

Let’s stop raising entitled pricks. I will start in my household first. An IPhone my ass.

Republican Convention

So whether or not you are Republican or Democrat, you still have to have a little humor going into the election. Joe and I would drink during debates when Trump would say stupid things. It was like a shit show but we had to have fun. I didn’t realize Trump would make it this far but here we are… and I think Joe and I were drunk most of the time.

So, you are either picking Trump or Hillary. I won’t tell you who I am voting for because it doesn’t matter but I think she will do a good job. See what I did there?

Either way when Trump speaks, he always says, ‘everything is going to be bigger and better and I promise you that!’

So then when Melania Trump was talking, I told my husband how beautiful she was and then of course, I brought it back to their sex life. And I can just picture this in the bedroom…

‘Ok Melania, I am going to make you have an orgasm. It is going to be the biggest orgasm and it will be absolutely better than all other orgasms. I can promise you that!’ All while wearing his hat… Make Orgasms Great Again. 

I think if that was his slogan, he might get more of the women vote.

Until next time,

I’m with her.