To all my adoring fans (haha), sorry I have been out of touch this past week. We went on vacation and there was no time to write.
I am finding that I don’t write as much when I am depressed and when I feel lost. Sometimes it is hard to participate in the moment and get out of my thoughts and to get out of my head. Life sometimes is too hard.
The other day, in group therapy, we had to talk about how we invalidate ourselves and how to turn it around to validate ourselves. It sounds so simple but yet, it was so hard. It’s hard to see the good in yourself. People tell me all the time, oh, you are a good teacher and a good mom but I don’t feel it and nor do I see it.
This blog describes what it feels like to be inside of myself and explains why I feel like just letting myself go.
I find myself feeling alone, even in a crowded place and my only way out is too escape.
Then I leave and retreat into my own thoughts and my own head. It’s like running into the forest and just going deeper and deeper but I didn’t leave any fucking breadcrumbs.
The forest envelopes me and I can feel the shade of the tree shielding me from life. Nothing can get me here; I am hidden from the world. The deeper I go, the darker it gets. My mind thinks of things that nobody should think of and I can feel myself retreating further and further into solace and what I think is a refuge but it turns into a prison.
I can occasionally see the sun through the trees. The warmth hits my face and it gives me hope but as quickly as it comes, it goes just as fast. All I am left with is the gentle warmth on my skin until it slowly fades away.
My thoughts go up and down much like the hills and drops of the forest. I trip not once, not twice but many times over the tree roots. My thoughts get in the way of trying to live a normal life. I can hear a voice far in the distance telling me that she will never give up on me and that she cares for me. I can hear the voice in the distance but sometimes it seems like it’s so far away and I am so tired of walking in this forest. I’m so tired of walking alone.
Three times a week, I can come out of the forest for a brief time. I can hear her voice telling me that she won’t give up on me but I have to work. She will not work harder than me but she will not let me fail either. Three times a week, I can come out of the forest into a lush meadow where I can see clearly. The sunlight gives me hope and it feels warm on my face and more importantly in my heart. I can see clearly, I can think clearly and I can believe that there is good in this world. I can see good in me through the eyes of another.
My eyes blur with tears and my body starts to collapse. Forty-five minutes is over and I feel good briefly but then it starts all over again; back into the forest.
Maybe this time, my stay will be shorter and maybe next time I will enter the meadow on my own. Maybe next time…
And no matter how many times I go back and forth, I know I will not be alone because there is still that one person’s voice telling me that she believes in me.
I believe her. I trust her wholeheartedly and I know she cares about me and wants to see me get better. Because of her, I want to get better and I want to get out of this forest of thought and stop fucking camping. I want to get out into the meadow and see the stars. I want my thoughts to be as clear as the night sky.
I know she will help me get to that meadow and she will help me set up my life so I can see the night sky clearly. I have to work to get there and this is going to be a long hike but one I don’t have to do alone.
Until next time,
Colleen, thank you for believing in me and thank you for that brief time, three times a week, when I can see the stars.