Teachers are Laughing Everywhere Right Now 

So Joe has to teach a two part class once a month to new people who come to his work. He is an engineer and is in charge of teaching this monthly class and every month, I silently laugh at him. 

These are the top three things that he said just yesterday and today:

1) ‘So I don’t understand, like I’m talking and this guy is literally falling asleep. How can he fall asleep while I’m talking?’

-haha… clearly your class is boring and you should use some proximity in your lessons.

2) ‘I am so tired. I had to teach the whole class by myself!’

…I silently muffle a laugh…

‘What?? Seriously. It’s hard to teach all day by yourself. Usually someone helps me.’

-Bahaha seriously?… that’s like my whole life.

3) ‘I can’t talk long. We have a break and I have to pee. I don’t know how you hold it all day.’

-haha… rookie.

Until next time,

Go ahead teachers and have a good hardy laugh.

What Women Want

Yeah, women like love and crap like that but what do we really want? If you have a woman in your life or you are looking for a wonderful woman…pay attention.

These are our favorite things and I am going to change it up and do a ‘David Letterman’ style line-up.

Heeeere weeee go…

5) A clean house: We LOVE a clean house! We just don’t want to be the only one doing it; pick up a mop for godsakes.

4) Chocolate: Don’t question us. When we want it, just give it to us or you will probably die.

3) Pajamas: it’s our favorite clothing because it means we are staying in and we don’t have to leave the house which you have now cleaned.

2) Wine: Wine, wine, wine.

And the number one thing women enjoy most is….

1) Taking off our bra and knowing we can do numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

Until next time,

Love is great but being in your clean house, while in your pajamas, eating chocolate, and drinking wine, bra-less, is better than anything you can really give us.

And Another Year Begins.

To all my teacher friends, have a great year. May it be swift and ridiculously fast and dear God, let it be summer again.

Here is my list of what I am excited about in the 2016-2017 school year…

1) The title of this blog is ‘Another Year Begins.’ And this is how it is for teachers. We hate when you say ‘see you next year’ in January because we have to pause and remember that the rest of the world starts a new year in January but honestly, we just think you are idiots. The new year starts in August.

2) I am excited to go to the copy room and find that there is no paper left. What a thrill. It’s like extreme sports but extreme ‘oh shit, I need to copy sixty copies of my seven-page syllabi.’ Nothing is more exhilarating.

3) I am excited to give my bladder a workout. During the school year, I pee at 6am and then don’t pee again until like noon. My bladder is excited to get a turn to workout because my liver has been working out all summer.

4) I am excited to go to work in the cover of darkness, only to return home in the cover of darkness. Teachers are like freaking Batman.

5) I am excited to learn every new student’s name. I like when they correct me for pronunciation because they all get Iannone right on the first try.

6) I am excited to implement all the new lessons I have been working on all summer. Haha… just kidding… I didn’t plan.

7) I am excited for the sexual harassment speech. This is my 15th year of teaching… I think it will finally sink in this year that I can’t ask my colleagues for sex in exchange for a red pen.

8) I am excited to find out all the new theories we adopted over the summer for teaching. It’s invigorating to hear a new theory every year. All the teachers know it’s the same theory with a different name… but yeah, I will redo my lesson plans… again.

9) I can’t wait to see all the new teachers. You can figure out who they are because the smell like freshly sharpened pencils and they look hopeful.

10) I can’t wait to see the seasoned teachers again. They smell like a mixture of tears, and despair.

11) I love hearing about the new referendums. It’s like a ten year plan and I am not even able to vote because I don’t live in the district. It’s a ten year plan right? I’m lucky if I will live after the second day of waking up at 5am. 10 years my ass.

12) My favorite word that is on all of my back to school lists… Data. I could care less where we placed in the SAT’s or DCAS or whatever. Am I getting a raise? Oh, haha, nevermind. Teachers do not get raises.

13) I love ice breakers with my colleagues. Actually, I don’t. I would love an ice breaker that involved pizza, a beer and then sharing how we all got to this point in our lives.

14) I can’t wait for my favorite question, ‘how was your summer?’ Listen. Don’t ask me this fucking question, you know everyone’s answer is the same, ‘it was too short.’ Mostly because we are all miserable that the summer is over, so stop bringing it up. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m going to punch you straight in the throat if you even try to have this conversation.

15) Honestly, I am excited to see all your faces, share our successes, our failures, make fun of stupid things we did in class, our lunches and our Friday ‘book club.’ I’m excited to be with you all this year and I am even excited to meet my new students… but only slightly. I will be jaded again in the first hour or so; don’t worry.

Until next year,

Enjoy your year, stay safe and start buying wine in bulk.

Stupid Things the Commentators Say During the Olympics

1) ‘He arches his back and watch. Watch the head, it goes back and the body follows his head. Look at that.’ -Swimming

Where the hell is the body supposed to go?

2) ‘Look at her bob. She is swimming like a rock climber right now.’ -Swimming 

Why can’t she swim like a swimmer?

3) ‘He nailed the wall.’ -Swimming 

Can’t you say that in a different way?

4) ‘That’s a 7-7-7 on the slot machine. –Women’s gymnastics

Ok they are barely old enough to drive a car, let alone gamble.

5) ‘I’m surprised her 41 year old knees could handle that.’ -Women’s gymnastics 

My 37 year old eyes had a hard time watching it.

6) ‘Bye-bye.’ -Women’s beach volleyball 

I feel like I am watching Wilson float away…

7) ‘They pounded the Italians.’ -Women’s beach volleyball 

Like chicken parm.

8) ‘And a dive for gold.’ -Women’s 400m run

It’s running; stop accidentally falling and cheating.

9) ‘The balance beam is icing on the cake.’ -Women’s gymnastics 

Listen. They’re gymnasts. They don’t eat cake. If you want to see someone eat cake, put me on the balance beam.

10) ‘Ok. She is about to do some tough stuff here.’ -Women’s gymnastics 

Could I be a commentator? I mean really? That’s the best commentary you have?

11) ‘When you take your eyes off the beam it makes it that more difficult.’ -Women’s gymnastics 

Listen. I can’t take my eyes off the sidewalk without stumbling.

12) ‘Would the referees ever call it because of the wind?’

-‘Possibly.’ -Men’s 3m springboard

Wow. Thank you for that definitive answer

13) ‘She’s doing woman dives now!’ -Women’s platform diving

What does that even mean?

14) ‘She came out passed vertical and that was a huge splash. Like a tsunami.’ -Women’s platform diving 

-Ok I feel like this is racist? Only because the girl is from North Korea and I feel like they must get tsunamis but in all honesty, I don’t know where North Korea really is or if they even have waves. Kids, pay attention in geography class.

15) ‘She’s goes in the water and she just disappears.’ -Women’s platform diving 

Well lady, it’s not jello; she is not bouncing back.

16) ‘We have a variety of splashes on the splash-o-meter.’ -Women’s platform diving 

Listen lady. Splash-o-meter is not a real thing. It’s something you made up and in all honesty, it’s annoying.

17) My thoughts because I need a list of twenty… I could watch these beautiful, black men dance all night.

18) The clay dolls on the closing ceremony is freaking scary. What’s up with the eyes… I’m going to have nightmares.

19) I like that ladies kimono.

20) I feel like people that are high appreciate the ceremonies more. What the hell are those people doing on Segway? I’m so scared.

Until next time,

See you in 2018

Where is My Food?

You know what really pisses me off? When I make my coffee and breakfast and I get to my chair and my kids say that they are hungry.

Seriously? You have just eaten like three bowls of cereal and I haven’t even taken a bite of, what was, hot food.

Seriously… what the hell? Are kids programed to sense when you are about to do something for yourself and then they need something at that exact moment? It drives me nuts. I don’t think I have had a hot meal or a meal of my own in seven years. I mean, even if we are eating the same exact thing, they still want a bite of mine. I’m into sharing but not when we are eating the same thing. And then on top of that, they like mine but then hate what’s on their plate- it’s the SAME thing.

Kids really do come with some kind of internal mechanism to drive parents crazy. I think it’s God’s way of testing you to find out if you are some kind of crazed killer because kids take so much patience. Sooooo much patience.

Here is my list of kids internal mechanisms:

1) They finish their food and ask for more as your ass is about to make contact with the chair.

2) They have been occupied for like an hour, you finish cleaning up (not like I do this often), and they ask for something as my ass is making contact with the couch.

3) They sense when you really have to take a crap and then they need you like right now.

4) You just sit down to take a crap and they have been busy for what feels like hours and all of a sudden, they have to go to the bathroom soooo bad. And Godforbid if you ask them to use the other two unoccupied bathrooms.

5) You are late to anywhere and suddenly they are about to shit their pants. Ok, I asked you to use the bathroom ten minutes ago.

6) You are at a restaurant, your food comes and they have to go to the bathroom again… we were just in there after we ordered.

7) You are sleeping. They sense that and wake you up to hand you boogers or to ask if they can go downstairs. We have had the same rules since they started their lives… you can go downstairs at 7am and always use a tissue.

8) Your naked. Suddenly everyone wants to be in your room talking about life’s problems. Or they randomly come into the bathroom while you are showering and start playing the guitar. Wtf. Get out.

9) Your goal is to drink more water. I have willed myself to about 8oz a day… it’s a work in progress. And then they want my water. And then there are floaters in my water. Ok… I am changing my goal to a sip of water a day… yay, I accomplished my goals. 

10) You want to have sex but nope… they want to come in your room because they miss you and want to cuddle. We live together. I just saw you.

Oh my God… there should be an internal off button for the mechanisms and an on button for more cuddle time and more times they clean the house without being asked.

Until next time,

Let me go drink my cold coffee. Oh nevermind, Emily fell.

I Have Sponges

Kids are like sponges and it’s obvious that they absorb everything that they see and hear.

Emily is currently running around the house screaming that she is late for ballet. She keeps yelling at people to hurry up because she is late again! This has been going on for like twenty minutes.

It is very clear that I am a late and bitchy mom.

Until next time,

Hurry up and read the rest of my blogs and pass it on to your friends… I said hurry!

Summer is Basically Over…

As Summer 2016 comes to a close, I have created this list about what I will not miss… like ever:

1) McDonald’s. Not really but my kids always want to go here and it’s fast and easy and doesn’t require cooking… or thinking.

2) My kids thinking that if they go to the pool they have now had a bath. Joe told them that was an acceptable means of showering. My kids stink.

3) Everyday… fucking Disney Junior shows.

4) Cailou. He gets his own spot because he is the worst and we should probably burn him at the stake or something… he would probably whine less.

5) My kids not doing their summer reading. I blame myself.

6) Summer reading… just all together; mine, theirs. I used to be excited about it but not this year.

7) Knowing that you should have been doing something educational with your kids all summer because Nicholas just asked me how to spell his name.

8) Being in a swimsuit.

9) Being a constant entertainer for my kids, although, I will miss their faces… I will not miss the juggling.

10) The way my kids constantly have to be in the kitchen and eat. They are so demanding: breakfast, lunch, dinner… over and over… every damn day.

Things I will miss:

1) my bed.

2) my kids laughing at my stupid jokes.

3) day drinking by the river with great friends.

Until next time,

Work will never take my freedom. Oh wait.

Ps- this post is dedicated to my great friends on the river. 

And another PS- check back on Monday morning for the annual post about why I am excited to go back to work. Apparently it’s a classic among teachers. 

This is for my river friends. Thanks for always being there and making me laugh. Xo