Being on a diet is really a struggle. It’s just not fair to be on a diet. It’s kind of like torture, like water boarding or a darkroom filled with fucking legos. Either way, society says we should be thinner and I guess doctors do too. But their expectations are beyond unreasonable; according to the BMI charts, I should be 107 lbs. I am double that because my 107 lbs is located in my bra. Soooo, yeah.
Here is some of the struggles of being a fat girl on a diet:
1) When I am trying to lose weight but my inner fat girl is fighting me and wants a corndog for breakfast…
2) When someone says ‘do you have a light?’ And all I have to do is run around because my thigh fat could start a bonfire.
3) When I am depressed- I eat. Happy- I eat. Bored- I eat. Therefore, I gain the weight of a small child.
4) I was depressed yesterday and refused to eat dinner, however, I did make an exception and had some ice cream- I’m not completely dead inside.
5) One time, we went out for dinner and I am eating a salad… Joe, that ass, at a double cheeseburger with fries. I found out my salad was more calories than my husbands double cheeseburger and fries. Therefore, because of this finding, my anger towards my husband, is justified.
6) Hangry- It’s a word. It’s a feeling. It’s now called a weeling. Because when I am on a diet, I am eating like water chestnuts and items that taste like tree bark. Therefore, I am constantly hangry and I hate you.
7) I am not supposed to drink coffee or alcohol on a diet. Ok. The diet is now killing me. Like put me in a hole and throw some dirt on my grave because that’s fucking crazy; especially if the general public wants to live.
8) Everyone tells me to do a shake diet. Listen shake people… There will come a time that I will drink shakes. It will happen when I am old and lose all my teeth. So get out that blender and a prime rib and maybe some taters and mix that shit up. But dear God, I want a bendy straw.
9) Water. I hate water. It’s necessary I guess but I would rather just survive by the water being absorbed in my body after taking a shower. The only way I will actually drink water is in the form of ice… in my alcoholic drink… after it melts.
10) My muffin top is a rare find I guess. My daughter keeps poking it and telling me how bumpy it is and then she talks to it. Then she asks questions about why it’s lumpy and has lines on it. Then she proceedes to juggle it like she is some kind of court jester. Listen sweetheart, you are lucky mommy doesn’t follow the no coffee and no alcohol rule because I would have no idea what I would do with you. So please, stop poking it, talking to it like a pet and juggling it like you are on America’s Got Talent.
Until next time,
Excuse me why I heat up a corndog. I made it to 11am. That’s lunch time. Don’t judge me.