Massage Problems

So, I am trying to have one final hurrah before school starts and I picked today. I have a big day ahead of me- one massage and three doctor appointments. The day could not be more fun!

I started off with my massage. I was super excited to get one but they scheduled me with a guy which kind of makes me feel uncomfortable but then here come this big, beautiful black man and I was doing alright.

It was actually nice to have a dude because he can really dig into my giant fat rolls. Here is a rundown of how the massage went:

1) Would you like the following massaged: legs- yes; scalp- yes; feet- yes; face- yes; stomach… stomach… stomach… only if the masseuse wants to disappear into the unknown.

2) ‘Genitals and breasts will not be massaged.’ Ok, that would be weird unless he bought me a drink first.

3) big, beautiful black masseuse. Check.

4) Being asked to take off your clothes and hop under the blankets and lay on my stomach. Ok, check. Except my boobs were either squishing out the sides or when I adjusted them, they were strangling my neck. I had to pull the covers up to my nose just to cover the ladies but still keep the ability to breathe.

5) Something large and hard hit the side of my face. I thought it must be from my sheer hotness, but nope… no, I checked and it was just a bottle of lotion. 

6) I am extremely oily and lotion-ee. I realized with my body type, the masseuse probably used the same amount of oils in one hour that a hooker does on a whole Saturday night.

7) I had a song playing in my head. It was Boyz II Men, I’ll Make Love to You. That’s right, make a wish… light a fire. Appropriate? Yeah, no.

8) He asked me how I was feeling and I told him it was the best hour of my life. Well done masseuse.

9) I might have said it was better than sex… but just maybe. I couldn’t help it, I was in a massage trance.

10) The massage ended; the masseuse left and I fell off the table.


Until next time,

I’m still oily and Boyz II Men is still running on a loop. 


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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