1) ‘He arches his back and watch. Watch the head, it goes back and the body follows his head. Look at that.’ -Swimming
Where the hell is the body supposed to go?
2) ‘Look at her bob. She is swimming like a rock climber right now.’ -Swimming
Why can’t she swim like a swimmer?
3) ‘He nailed the wall.’ -Swimming
Can’t you say that in a different way?
4) ‘That’s a 7-7-7 on the slot machine. –Women’s gymnastics
Ok they are barely old enough to drive a car, let alone gamble.
5) ‘I’m surprised her 41 year old knees could handle that.’ -Women’s gymnastics
My 37 year old eyes had a hard time watching it.
6) ‘Bye-bye.’ -Women’s beach volleyball
I feel like I am watching Wilson float away…
7) ‘They pounded the Italians.’ -Women’s beach volleyball
Like chicken parm.
8) ‘And a dive for gold.’ -Women’s 400m run
It’s running; stop accidentally falling and cheating.
9) ‘The balance beam is icing on the cake.’ -Women’s gymnastics
Listen. They’re gymnasts. They don’t eat cake. If you want to see someone eat cake, put me on the balance beam.
10) ‘Ok. She is about to do some tough stuff here.’ -Women’s gymnastics
Could I be a commentator? I mean really? That’s the best commentary you have?
11) ‘When you take your eyes off the beam it makes it that more difficult.’ -Women’s gymnastics
Listen. I can’t take my eyes off the sidewalk without stumbling.
12) ‘Would the referees ever call it because of the wind?’
-‘Possibly.’ -Men’s 3m springboard
Wow. Thank you for that definitive answer
13) ‘She’s doing woman dives now!’ -Women’s platform diving
What does that even mean?
14) ‘She came out passed vertical and that was a huge splash. Like a tsunami.’ -Women’s platform diving
-Ok I feel like this is racist? Only because the girl is from North Korea and I feel like they must get tsunamis but in all honesty, I don’t know where North Korea really is or if they even have waves. Kids, pay attention in geography class.
15) ‘She’s goes in the water and she just disappears.’ -Women’s platform diving
Well lady, it’s not jello; she is not bouncing back.
16) ‘We have a variety of splashes on the splash-o-meter.’ -Women’s platform diving
Listen lady. Splash-o-meter is not a real thing. It’s something you made up and in all honesty, it’s annoying.
17) My thoughts because I need a list of twenty… I could watch these beautiful, black men dance all night.
18) The clay dolls on the closing ceremony is freaking scary. What’s up with the eyes… I’m going to have nightmares.
19) I like that ladies kimono.
20) I feel like people that are high appreciate the ceremonies more. What the hell are those people doing on Segway? I’m so scared.
Until next time,
See you in 2018