You know what really pisses me off? When I make my coffee and breakfast and I get to my chair and my kids say that they are hungry.
Seriously? You have just eaten like three bowls of cereal and I haven’t even taken a bite of, what was, hot food.
Seriously… what the hell? Are kids programed to sense when you are about to do something for yourself and then they need something at that exact moment? It drives me nuts. I don’t think I have had a hot meal or a meal of my own in seven years. I mean, even if we are eating the same exact thing, they still want a bite of mine. I’m into sharing but not when we are eating the same thing. And then on top of that, they like mine but then hate what’s on their plate- it’s the SAME thing.
Kids really do come with some kind of internal mechanism to drive parents crazy. I think it’s God’s way of testing you to find out if you are some kind of crazed killer because kids take so much patience. Sooooo much patience.
Here is my list of kids internal mechanisms:
1) They finish their food and ask for more as your ass is about to make contact with the chair.
2) They have been occupied for like an hour, you finish cleaning up (not like I do this often), and they ask for something as my ass is making contact with the couch.
3) They sense when you really have to take a crap and then they need you like right now.
4) You just sit down to take a crap and they have been busy for what feels like hours and all of a sudden, they have to go to the bathroom soooo bad. And Godforbid if you ask them to use the other two unoccupied bathrooms.
5) You are late to anywhere and suddenly they are about to shit their pants. Ok, I asked you to use the bathroom ten minutes ago.
6) You are at a restaurant, your food comes and they have to go to the bathroom again… we were just in there after we ordered.
7) You are sleeping. They sense that and wake you up to hand you boogers or to ask if they can go downstairs. We have had the same rules since they started their lives… you can go downstairs at 7am and always use a tissue.
8) Your naked. Suddenly everyone wants to be in your room talking about life’s problems. Or they randomly come into the bathroom while you are showering and start playing the guitar. Wtf. Get out.
9) Your goal is to drink more water. I have willed myself to about 8oz a day… it’s a work in progress. And then they want my water. And then there are floaters in my water. Ok… I am changing my goal to a sip of water a day… yay, I accomplished my goals.
10) You want to have sex but nope… they want to come in your room because they miss you and want to cuddle. We live together. I just saw you.
Oh my God… there should be an internal off button for the mechanisms and an on button for more cuddle time and more times they clean the house without being asked.
Until next time,
Let me go drink my cold coffee. Oh nevermind, Emily fell.