A lot has happened over a course of a year. It’s amazing how much can change and yet, how much the past can still grab a hold of me everyday and choke me to the point of what feels like death.
There is a lot of the past that I wish I could change. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was smarter and I wish that I felt more love.
I think at times we all feel like this- feeling like we are drowning in our thoughts and emotions. All I want is for someone to throw me a life line but sometimes the rope just isn’t long enough and I slip. Further and further into my thoughts and it takes me to a place that is so hard to escape.
I think a lot of us feel fake on the outside; sometimes I do. I am not saying I am not sincere but if someone could just get inside my head for a minute, they would be dying and crawling to get out. I feel like this almost everyday. Everyday is a struggle just to be present and to live in the moment.
I have come a long way in a year. I have a new therapist that has carried me through but sometimes, it never feels enough. Sometimes I feel myself self-sabotaging our therapeutic relationship because I am afraid she is going to leave me sitting there alone like my last therapist. I am afraid I will get a text saying, ‘find a new therapist.’ Those words and that text message from my last therapist will forever be etched into my mind and forever haunt my reality. Not my dreams, because for me, I have the same fear everyday. Whenever my phone dings, whenever I leave that office, I am afraid my new therapist won’t be there for me when I return. And the worst part is, is that my new therapist is completely and totally different from my old therapist. My new therapist is actually there for me, no matter what; holding that life line and trying to teach me to reach it and stay afloat on my own and within my own thoughts. The thoughts that I am still drowning in constantly.
Everybody wants that parent or that partner to be there forever but we sometimes get left behind and that is my fear- whether it is perceived or actual fear, it doesn’t matter. The fear is so deeply engrained in me that it is hard to find release no matter how hard I try. I don’t know how to describe my pain. I want a parent; someone that wants to be there for me and take care of me. I look for that in therapy. Just seriously, hold me and tell me that one day, I will get better and that you won’t leave me no matter how hard of a patient I am and no matter how messed up I can be.
There are so many times that I just want to let go and be done because giving up would be easier than living in yesterday or wishing that I didn’t get abandoned by people that I care about. There are so many times I think about how I can get out but I realize that I can’t because I am a mom and a wife and apparently a kick ass teacher.
However, it still hurts. It’s still painful and I know that giving up isn’t the way to go but God, I wish it would be that easy. Sometimes I wonder if people would even notice if I was gone. Eventually, I would just become a memory and after that I would just be a name. However, I know that is just a thought and an emotion and those are fleeting.
Life goes on and so must I and if you are suffering, so should you. Giving up feels like it’s the best option and it would feel so good to be released from this hell. I just want someone to see the despair in my eyes, the ache in my heart and I just want someone to hug me and say it will be ok and I wouldn’t mind a chocolate peanut butter sundae.
Until next time,
If you are suffering from thoughts of suicide, reach out to someone for help or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.