I Wish I had Courage

My thoughts run rampid and they twist and turn. My body shakes and my heart, my heart it burns.

No one can hear my silent screams- ‘help me,’ I yelled. But no one can hear and no one can tell.

‘Yeah, I am fine; yeah, I feel good.’ I say it over and over; maybe I will believe it and maybe I will be understood.

But it’s not fine and it’s not good. I’m lying to you. I’m constantly misunderstood.

I want to pop that bottle open, I want to take more than I should. I want to drift in and out, I constantly wish I could.

Don’t tell me to look at what I have, don’t guilt me and make me feel bad. I’m not stupid and I’m not naive, I can see it and of course it makes me sad.

Don’t you think I know? The countless times you tell me that it just goes to show- you don’t know a thing about me. You just give me clichés; over and over, I hear the same; I am sick of this game.

I know what I have and I know what I lack. It’s not something in my heart but something in my brain; it’s more than a pain in my back. 

My chemicals are down, my chemicals are low- I just don’t know how to ease the pain except to open that bottle and try to take it slow.

I want to escape and I want to leave. I just want to be six feet under but you will never know what I mean.

Pain weakens you but also makes you strong; perhaps I have it all wrong?

Getting therapy takes courage but sometimes I am weak. I just want to quit, I want to break free.

I want to go where the angels will sing. I want to go where my head is silent and where my head won’t ring.

But if I fly my heart will ache; ache for the ones that I left behind. And its because they will always be on my mind.

Isn’t it ironic that my fear is to be left behind yet I think about leaving daily? I guess it’s time ‘man up’ and to puke and rally.

How bitterly ironic. And maybe you think I’m selfish? Sometimes I do. I just want to heal and learn how to deal with all this shit I feel.

I just wish I could move on from the past. Get out of my head, get off my back. Stop making me think about yesterday and repeating all the things you said I lack.

You are still killing me from afar and part of me wishes I could say sorry and part of me wishes I’d forget. I don’t want this anymore. I just want to wish it never happened and part of me wants to kick your ass.

I want to fly through the air because I think I would feel less. Sure the pain would be there for a second but it’s better than my mess. 

Here I am talking about being left behind by you- how sweetly ironic because I would be doing it to my family too.

Until next time,

Allison 

If you are suffering from thoughts of suicide, reach out to someone for help or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

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BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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