Reflection of What?

I am sitting here in front of the window at coffee shop, staring at my reflection. I am looking at what I look like but all I see is a silhouette of a translucent figure. Sometimes you can see me and sometimes you can’t- maybe I don’t want you to. It’s not you, it’s me.

I put myself out there thinking that I have a connection with people but in reality, I am alone. Don’t tell me that you are glad that I am here- you don’t know anything about me because all I am is the silhouette of a human being. I am not even glad that I am here. How can you be? It’s not you, it’s me.

Why say things that are irrelevant? I don’t even know who I am- how do you? How can you be happy I am here when I caused all of you so much pain and not just one person but many. Sure, I can catastrophize the situation because every situation that I am in is a catastrophe. It’s not you, it’s me.

Shit, I can see things crumbling before my eyes; oh wait, that is that salty liquid coming from both sides. Shit, you are going to see me. My hard exterior is being torn down and you are going to see inside of me- into what I really am. Well, I can’t have you do that because no one is allowed in there. I don’t want you to ever see me cry. I am not worth the shit on your shoes for how I made you feel. It’s not you, it’s me.

Scrape me off and let me go. It is worse when everyone around you is not happy and I caused that anxiety. Shit, I have been so stoked the whole week but being stoked definitely turned into being ashamed, embarrassed and inadequate. It’s mine- it’s not yours. Don’t carry me- I carry these feelings and I am sure you don’t even mean to project that feeling onto me but I just internalize. It’s not you, it’s me.

I hear multiple people say the same things and then look at me because they are afraid they hurt my feelings and I am sitting there trying so hard not to burst into tears because that will let you in and give you a glimpse. I don’t want you in; I am totally eating burritos. I want to keep you at bay. I guess because I thought we had a connection but all of our stuff gets in the way. It’s not you, it’s me.

I never should have said anything. I should have just kept it straight business because when you don’t keep it straight business, feelings get involved and shit, I don’t want that. I don’t need those in my life. I will just keep myself numb because being numb is part of my silhouette. It’s deep and dark within me and you can’t reach it because I have put up so many barriers. This is the final one though, I am not letting anyone in; password is incorrect- please try again. It’s not you, it’s me.

Until next time,

I gotta get myself home.

 

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BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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