Fading into the Background

Finally. I didn’t think this day would come and I know that it won’t be permanent but I know that this is the beginning to the end. Finally you are fading into the background.

You know it has been over a year since you left me behind and almost a year since I told you secrets that you would destroy me with; I didn’t think I could get over you.

I thought you were the best thing that had ever walked into my life since my husband and kids but I realized that you were just a blip on my radar screen. Last year, the blip you created made ripples in my radar; hell, it broke my radar. It set the radar on fire and I watched myself burn. Fast like an inferno and then after, the ember still burned. I was like a wildfire. My emotions and my feelings  were never put out- it just slowly burned and slowly consumed me.

However, here I am, almost a year later and I was driving around our working town and I realized that I can’t really remember you. I barely remember what you look like and I don’t remember your voice. The times when I made you laugh were my favorite and I thought I would always remember that but, you know, your laugh is also fading into the background.

I was listening to the song you made for me almost everyday for a year. Now, I hardly listen to it. Not because I don’t still love it but because I don’t need it. We aren’t close. You left me in a terrible position and I was still holding on but not anymore. I don’t listen to it because I don’t need to remember and think about what you think I did wrong. Continuity of care my ass.

You were right- dual relationships are not what should happen with your therapist. I thought we could do it and I thought it was what I wanted because I wanted to be close to you not only because you helped me but also because you needed help too. Someone who knew you and would listen to you without judgement but I realize that our relationship was catastrophic on so many levels. If only I knew. But you were supposed to be the one to take care of my needs not the other way around and I am starting to realize that it isn’t my fault. Thank God I found a new therapist that knows how to heal this mess you made. I am actually making progress, even though things aren’t perfect, I am making progress. Maybe you care?

God, I hope you read this because I just want you to know that you are fading into my background and you are no longer the forefront of my thoughts. Yup, it’s like that today but I don’t know if it will be like this tomorrow, or the next day but one day is better than none.

Until next time,

You are starting to fade, oh look, you are just a memory.

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BlackWhiteAndCrazy

I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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