You Cannot do Math

So Vincent still doesn’t understand my amazing ability to understand everything and anything. He doesn’t understand how I know when he is lying in particular.

You can tell Vincent is lying because the kids face lights up like a kid who just silently farted in the the middle of church at Christmas mass with a full congregation and is super proud of the smell.

So anyway, I gave Vincent lunch money, $20 exactly, in August, which was good for ten lunches. The kid was set until the last week in October. However this morning, we figured out that he didn’t have any money left from the deer-in-the-headlight look on his face. He kept denying that he didn’t have any money left. 

Then he finally confessed that he only had 50 cents left in his account on our ride to school.

Here was that conversation:

‘Vincent, you know you can tell mommy if you don’t have any money left in your account. I would rather you tell me the truth.’ -me

‘Mommy, I didn’t…’ -Vincent 

‘Vincent…’ -me

‘Ok. I only have 50 cents left but I still want to buy lunches.’ -Vincent 

‘Well, you can’t buy lunches for like a month.’ -me

‘But…but…’ -Vincent

‘Sorry buddy. When are you going to realize that mommy knows everything you do because moms know everything. I know when you aren’t telling me the truth.’ -me

‘No. You don’t know everything.’ -Vincent 

‘Yes. I. Do.’ -me

‘No. You don’t know math!’ -Vincent 

‘Yeah I do. 2+2=4.’ -me

‘Oh yeah… well if I have 2 cars and then my friend gives me a 1,000… how many cars do I have?’ -Vincent

…yes people. that son of a bitch gave me a word problem. I had to do it twice in my head just to check my answer because you know my first answer was 2,000. Dear God, I almost phoned a friend…

‘Oh! 1,002! Ha!’ -me

…That’s right Mr. Sassy Pants. You almost tricked your mother with your second grade math problems….

Until next time,

I am going to figure out how to find ‘x’… everyone seems so concerned that ‘x’ is missing…


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I am a mother of three small children with a wonderful husband. Having children is not as simple as black and white. Having kids is black, white and crazy. I hope you enjoy my blog of my crazy escapades.

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