You know, everyone says they are there for you until they can’t be for one reason or another. Whatever the reason, it’s still painful. No matter how delicate they say it or tell you, it still stings.
For someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, it stings a million times more.
Being alone hurts and opening yourself up to others, hurts too. Sometimes I just don’t know how to win the game. All I want to do is wear my protective gear, be protected and still win the game. However, that’s not life, but it’s how I treat life.
I wanted you to accept me and be there for me without things changing. You tell me to be open and honest but that just allows me to be open to the pain and hurt. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m too much; I have always been too much. I don’t know how to be anything less. I wish things were different; and it hurts that they aren’t and everything is just the same. Always the same.
People say that being alone is worse but I am noticing that today I am building walls and burning fucking bridges. I’m going to be stuck on an island and no one is allowed to come.
Don’t try to swim because my tears are as salty as the surrounding sea and the water is too rough for you to survive. I burned the only bridge in and the only one out. The ashes are smoldering and the embers fly to the heavens; I did this- I burned the bridge.
Until next time,
It is just me on this island and maybe ‘Wilson.’