This is just going to be an honest post about children.
1) They change your life. Old people say for the better, but people who have kids want to punch those old people in the face.
2) They climb on you like you are playground equipment. I’m like the cheap plastic kind that slowly fades colors because just like the sunlight sucks the life out of that playground equipment, my children suck the life out of me.
3) You can’t take a crap without an audience. When I am sitting on the porcelain throne, there are vendors selling foam fingers.
4) No matter the age, the kids wake you up just to mess with your brain. Listen, I don’t care if you’re afraid of the dark… it’s probably because your eyes were closed.
5) One of the kids is currently scared of the decorations in his room. Wtf… they’re stickers.
6) Nothing you make for dinner is good enough. Tonight one of the kids wanted a bagel. When I said, ‘what do you want on your bagel?,’ the response was ‘waaaah! I don’t want a bagel!’ …do you know why bagels have a hole in the middle? Because the person who designed the bagel was a woman who hit her child over the head with the dough. That’s a head hole.
7) If I have to clean the sides of the toliet because someone didn’t hold their penis, they will all be peeing in the forest like animals and we don’t have a forest.
8) Caillou. Enough said.
9) Sex. What’s that? Oh, it’s like Haley’s comet. It comes like once every billion years and only if you are lucky and have the right lighting, the moon is full, the deers are prancing, while the bears are hibernating, and the temperature is like 72° Fahrenheit and the earth is tilted like 82° towards the sun. It’s rare and probably will be destroyed by someone being afraid of the dark.
10) The word mommy should be banned from the vocabulary of all children. I could seriously be balancing all the food the kids don’t want for dinner, while taking a crap, while talking to old people about how these are my golden years and one of my kids would look at me and still say ‘mommy, I need…’
Until next time,
These aren’t the Golden years… these are the dark years. The Dark years…It’s so dark…