Yesterday was the first time, in a long time, that we saw each other. We haven’t seen each other since the trial in the summertime. The trial takes up my thoughts every day, just like I am positive, it takes up yours. The outcome takes over my thoughts and gives me mixed feelings that I shouldn’t even have.
I still think about the last time we hung out because that date is coming up and I can feel myself thinking about you and how much fun that night was; the night that changed everything.
Last night, I was at Starbucks, helping a friend, and felt your stare. When I looked up, there you were, with your blue eyes trying to stare into my soul but I didn’t let you. Instead I just stared right back. I am pretty sure I won the staring competition because you would have hit the door if you kept looking at me.
There were a few people that were there last night and they all had different emotions and feelings and perspectives.
The scarred woman who is currently recovering from your immense ability to destroy my life was able to stare back and feel confident. She literally felt nothing. Her mind was clear and her stomach calm.
The woman that was with her friend was still able to be present in that moment with minimal distraction, even though she could see you back and forth through the smudged glass doors.
When you left, the woman who pretends to be tough, fell and was breathless because this was a big moment. She had been wondering when you and her would run into each other and that moment has passed.
The fragile woman was having an anxiety attack.
The angry woman wanted to tell you off.
The woman that is still emotionally a child was wondering how this happened? The child was wondering why we couldn’t just talk. The child was struggling with wanting to ask how you were. The child was extremely vulnerable and confused. The child kept asking why you didn’t want to play with her anymore? She kept asking me if you found a new and better Allison.
The woman that is still learning, decided that you aren’t good for her and no matter how many times she wished life was different between you and her, it was never good enough from the start. The woman that is still mindful and still learning was there to comfort the child because in the end, the only person this child has, is that strong, independent woman she is becoming.
You can stare at me all you want but it was never your eyes that hurt me; it was your words.
Until next time,