Here I am once again standing on the edge of madness. One foot is on solid ground and I wave one foot over the open abyss. Memories of the hokey pokey flash through my brain… ‘put your left foot in, put your left foot out, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about…’ That’s me shaking my foot over the abyss; trying to see if I am brave enough to hokey pokey for the last time.
The ground underneath my right foot is sturdy but I feel like at any moment it could crumble with a single thought.
And there it is… a single thought.
I’m falling into the dark abyss. I grasp in the darkness. I think to myself, ‘is this what I want?’ I try to grasp to something, anything but there is nothing there. The only thing as I fall is the cold wind brush the sides of my face. It’s gets colder and darker the deeper I go.
More thoughts and more darkness and then, rock bottom. It’s hard and it’s full of jagged edges. I shatter on impact. Pieces of me broken and scattered. Who will find me here? Who will put me back together? The answer is clear and it hits me as hard as the rock bottom- nobody.
I lay there for awhile hoping someone will see my brokenness but people can’t see this abyss because it is found only deep within my heart. You can’t see this kind of hole. Not through my chest and not even in the doctor’s office. The abyss lies deep inside of me and no one even knows that I had that one thought and fell of the ledge.
I am alone. I am always alone. Deep in my thoughts and deep within myself. People say they can help but I would never let anyone hokey pokey with me at the risk of them seeing my darkness. No one can see that because it’s too dark. No amount of light will shine in this empty space. I’m empty.
In this emptiness and in this hard, cold place, I take off my many masks. Here I can be vulnerable and myself. Uncovering my face is frightening because I can’t stand what is behind those masks; sometimes I wear so many that I forget what I even look like. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, photographer and I’m Allison. No one can see Allison because I am too raw; like a piece of meat that hasn’t been cooked long enough. That’s me. I haven’t been cooked long enough. My feelings and emotions are still that of a child. A child that is stuck in an adult body.
I can’t let you see what’s below the mask. I can only take it off when I am alone because no one understands and everyone keeps telling me life will get better. But ‘when?’, I say, because just like a child, I am impatient. I want to get rid of this child. I want to climb from rock bottom. I want to be the one that gives myself a rope to climb out of the abyss. I need to be strong enough to pull myself out without the help of others.
I dream about this day. I daydream about this day. I can feel my shoulders burning from the pull. My hands are raw from rope burn. The climb out of the darkness is almost like the climb of a man who has lost his sight. You have to go with your gut about the next step and the next move.
Each step up the side of this hole is wet and muddy. I slip, I fall, I try again. I slip, I fall, I try again. Trust is the only instinct that I have. That is something I am learning. Trust. I wasn’t born with it; I am learning, like a small child, to find it within myself before I put it towards others.
Life is about slipping and falling. Life is about light and darkness. Life is about choices. Life is about taking that trust fall or fighting against it. Life is about doing the hokey pokey and understanding the consequences.
Until next time,