You Get a Flu Shot! You Get a Flu Shot! Everyone Gets a Flu Shot!

So I took my five year old and my four year old to the doctors for an annual check-up and to get the flu vaccine. I kept telling them they wouldn’t get a shot because they have the nasal flu mist and they can sniff it. That was a relief until I found out that that type of flu mist has been discontinued and they both needed shots.

Soooo… here I am in the middle of the waiting room about to tell my five and four year old that they need shots. Honesty is the best policy my ass.

So let’s recap everything that happened after that moment:

“Nicholas and Emily, remember how mommy told you that the flu mist was going to go up your nose? Well, they don’t have that kind anymore and we are going to have to be brave and get the shot.” -me

And then it started…

Nicholas and Emily rebelled and started to cry which I expected. I did not expect Nicholas to get up in the waiting room and say, ‘I’m leaving,’ and then proceed to head to the elevator. Thank God the nurse called out our name because we had to start the check-up and he actually listened to me when I said, ‘come on Nicholas, let’s go’… I didn’t think that would work because asking my kids to do something doesn’t usually work the first time. So it was a miracle.

They both got matching gowns and looked so cute and I took pictures to remember what they looked like before all hell broke loose. Aww, the memories of them dancing and twirling are so precious…

So we are finally in the room waiting for the doctor and we had been waiting for a while and then, knowing the doctor will be in at any second, both my kids had to simultaneously poop. Wtf.

Then the doctor comes in and does doctor things and let’s me know they are both getting the shot and Emily is getting two more for her four year old vaccines. Do you know what this does to a woman with a concussion; I had insta-migraine.

So the nurse comes in and she says, ‘hold their legs in between your legs, while you hold his hands crossed into a pretzel.’

Uhhh, yeah ok.

Nicholas was first because he only had to get one and I figured he would be easy; nope. I couldn’t get his legs so he was kicking me and the nurse, then got the shot and was screaming which I expected. But then, he grabbed Emily afterwards and put his body between Emily and the nurse so the nurse couldn’t get her with the needles. Adorable right? I mean, he is being such a good big brother.

I couldn’t restrain both of them and with my concussion, their ear piercing screams were destroying my brain. I finally looked at the nurse and asked her to get me some help. She rolled her eyes and reluctantly went to get another nurse.

…Listen lady, I can’t hold both of them and my son is now a human shield. So the other nurse came in and I looked at her and said, ‘restrain him.’

Yup, I had another person hold my son and she was surprised about how freakishly strong Nicholas was. He broke free once and the next time I looked over, he was climbing up the side of the countertop and was literally parallel with the counter because he was trying to protect his sister; it was like watching something from the Exorcist; I think he was levitating.

Afterwards they each got lollipops and even that couldn’t make them quiet down. I was waiting for my alcohol but they never came with a shot of whiskey for me. Jesus, that was a nightmare.

Afterwards, if looks could kill, I would be dead. Emily told me on multiple occasions that she ‘didn’t like me and she was mad and she wasn’t going to be my peanut anymore.’

Cool… vaccines protect the kids but kill the parents souls and cause them to become people that want to hit up the bar in the middle of the afternoon.

Until next time,

I am going to go watch Nicholas levitate, while Emily gives me a look of death.

 

 

Go to Your Happy Place

Vincent was having a meltdown over homework and finally I said, ‘fine don’t do your homework but you have to tell your teacher that you didn’t do it.’

Then he started crying and stomping his feet and stomping away. And then I told him to ‘find your happy place.’ 

Then he came back and said ‘I don’t have a happy place! My happy place is DEAD!!’ 

So therapists of the world, you will never be out of business…

Until next time,

You’re welcome 

Borderline Personality Problems 

Having  BPD comes with a shit ton of problems and people who try to solve them. I am sure people with depression or other personality disorders can relate so let’s just lay it all out there.

1) Being lonely. I am lonely all the time. I could be surrounded by people and I still don’t want to even look at them. Not because you aren’t beautiful but because I don’t feel like dealing with the social anxiety.

2) Anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t even seem to be the right word it’s more like ‘holy shit the world is ending.’ How do I get through a day without being anxious? Only way I can do it is by looking forward to a glass of wine at the end of the day. Or ice cream.

3) Being needy. This one is extremely personal for me and the reason is is because nobody likes to be clingy or needy. However, I feel like if I’m not needed then nobody loves me so I would rather be sitting on top of your head then being out of your thoughts altogether. 

Is it annoying as hell, yes, it is especially for you but it’s more embarrassing for me. So if I ask you if you want to go out, then it’s because I just want to spend time with you because I’m lonely and I just want company. However, if you look at number 1, I still am lonely and have anxiety all at once… I don’t even know what I want.

4) Not knowing who I am. This is really hard because I feel like I’ve never really known who I was or why I am. I don’t have any idea who I am without my sarcasm and without my wit to tell you that you’re an idiot. I can’t really be serious all the time. If I’m being serious then you have to actually get in touch with your feelings and God knows I don’t want to do that. So I really don’t know who I am because I never discovered it as a child and that’s kind of sad but whatever I’m working on it. This is why I am single-handedly paying for my therapists retirement.

5) Low self worth. I am sure you look at me and you see someone who is just ultimately fabulous and it’s probably true. However, from my perspective, I have a lot of low self-worth, like where I don’t think I really matter. I don’t see what other people see and I don’t care what other people see because I just want to see it for myself. 

I wear glasses and contacts so I should be wearing them during the process.

6) Drinking. So because of my low self-worth, my anxiety, my depression and my symptoms of BPD, I find that I like to have a beverage every now and then. It’s not everyday but sometimes it just relaxes me. It also relaxes everybody else, especially if you are a teacher. Dear  God, I know teachers that go through bottles of wine in one day. I went through a bottle of wine in three days and I was proud of that. But sometimes you just want to drink to calm down because nothing else feels right and sometimes you just want to get out of your head.

7) Suicide ideation.  Yep this is hard to explain because people don’t understand it and they get scared of it but in reality I’m scared too. I don’t want to feel this way I don’t want to think these thoughts so when you freak out, I just freaked out worse and then I literally internalize things and don’t talk about it at all. 

I’ve learned over the years I can’t say certain  things but  being stuck in my head is probably a scary place to be. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Just remember, I am getting help and hopefully this will disappear.

8) Distorted thinking. Yeah I have distorted thinking what you see and what reality is to me is not the same thing. Usually you see what’s right and you process correctly I process things into 99 problems and only one of them is probably a real problem and the other 98 of them I actually made up in my head. Being in my head is a scary place to be and it’s also very distorted and very messed up and sometimes it’s hard to function. But I’m making it through therapy.

9) Depression. There’s such a stigma on the word depression and a social stigma on borderline personality disorder or any real personality disorder. But depression is the one that really holds you back because you don’t feel like doing anything. You don’t want to get out of bed, you don’t want to start the day and there are some nights I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want to start the next day. The thought of repeating and repeating and repeating the same things everyday is just a killer and it really brings me down.

10) Active participant.  Sometimes it’s really hard to have depression and borderline personality disorder because I can sit there and I can watch my family be a family and I can also see myself on the outside… kind of like watching a movie. This is called dissociation and it usually happens when I’m angry but I still want to participate in life. It’s really hard to watch everybody play and have a good time and not having the actual mental and emotional capacity to participate. Many people think that is probably an excuse and that a lot of people might think that I’m lazy but it’s not laziness it’s something totally different. And it’s hard to explain.

 I think we have to take away the stigma of mental illness and just put it aside. I think mental illness should be treated the same way that cancer is treated, the same way that diabetes is treated the same way, that any illnesses treated. 

I think people need to stop looking at people with mental illness and thinking of them as lazy or needy or whatever. Because in reality we all want the same thing as you do. What I want is what everybody wants which is to be happy, to love life, and to enjoy what I’m doing. However, with borderline personality disorder and with depression sometimes that’s not always a possibility but I’m starting to figure out through therapy and through dialectical behavior therapy that this is a possibility in my near future… well maybe not near future but the future.

Thanks for reading and help those of us to break the stigma.

Until next time,

I have BPD but it doesn’t mean that I have been branded.

Everyone’s Worst Nightmare…

Ok, everyone’s worst nightmare are dolls that wake up in the middle of the night and murder you in your sleep… Either that or scary ass clowns.

Last night, I walked into my worst nightmare. Why the hell would you set up your room like this? I need to show this kid Chucky so she can get her priorities straight. 

Until next time,

Hi. I’m Chucky. Wanna play?

The Night Sky

​The sun starts to fall in the evening sky and the clouds start to turn colors of orange, blues and deep purples. I watch the sun sinking deeper into the horizon; each moment is another slow moment until the sky turns deep black. And in that last moment the orange dot falls to the ends of the earth and the beautiful sky is no more. 

It’s black. The stars twinkle above my head offering hope and solace to someone like me but I don’t feel the hope. I feel the loneliness and emptiness inside my soul.

My life looks whole from the outside but inside I am broken and scattered. The only thing holding me together are skin and bones but inside my body I can hear a clink and a clatter. Shards of my humanity fall in between and hit every piece of bone on the way down. No one can hear it but me. 

Clink. Clatter. Clink. Clatter.

My whole life is a lie. My smile is a lie. My sarcasm is a façade of someone who is just trying to cover up her insecurities. I have felt alone for a long time even though I am surrounded by countless amounts of people. People, people and more people but it’s not enough because I am also surrounded by an enemy. 

This enemy hates me, makes fun of me and tells me terrible things about myself. I live with this enemy everyday inside my head. This enemy is the one that causes the clink and clatter in my body. This enemy is me. 

Don’t let the sun go down because that’s when I look at the night sky and wish I could feel the hope that you feel. The hope and solace is there but I can’t find it. I miss the sun and I am confused by the sunset and I fear the night sky. I fear the enemy that talks to me while I try to drift to sleep and then I wake up to do it all over again.

I’m waiting to break the cycle and find hope in my life.

Until next time,

When will the enemy die?

If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation, contact the suicide hotline at 1.800.273.8255.

No Starbucks… NOOOOO!

The number one thing you don’t want to hear at Starbucks while you are working:

‘Yeah, she has her period and she has a really heavy flow but you know she isn’t smart and has an irregular period but has a heavy flow when she gets it.’

NOOOOO! That is not ok in a public space and yes, I had in ear buds. I will never un-hear this conversation.

Why?! I am trying to drink a fucking coffee not hear about your friends flow.

Until next time,

I don’t know if there will be a next time…

My Favorite Story

​This is my absolute favorite story and it showed up on my Timehop today from three years ago. I still feel the same way and I will defend the art of creativity till I die- dramatic, I know.

__________________________

So at Vincent’s school, they send home homework sheets with letters of the alphabet  that the kids need to practice that day and a cartoonish picture on top of the paper so the kids also practice coloring. It may be a little mouse baking or a cat preparing a Thanksgiving dinner so, this is another good story about Vincent’s parent-teacher conference from last week:

“Well, I am concerned about Vincent’s coloring.” -teacher

“Ok. What are you worried about?” -me and joe

“Well, he needs to understand that we do realistic coloring in this class. So like if he was drawing a picture of you, he would use a peach color, not make mommy purple.” -teacher

“Ok, well, he is four and I am an art teacher. I have a really hard time telling him that he can’t color me any color he wants. I think that is stifling his creativity as a four year old.” -me

“Yea, but he needs to understand that if he is coloring a mouse or a cat that it should be brown or something like that because what he does now, will become a habit in the future.” -teacher

“Umm, no I don’t agree with you on this. You want him to color realistic colors but when was the last time you saw a mouse with a little hat on?” -me

“…….” -teacher

That’s right woman. Let me son color me purple. 😛

__________________________

And I still remember that look on her dumbfounded face and how Joe’s head was in his hands from the time I opened my mouth to the time the conference was over. Haha… still my favorite.