It’s me. Joe and I took three kids to Disney World last week and returned home yesterday. Here is our story…
1) We told the kids we were going to Disney world. Two children were excited and one cried.
2) We forgot the boarding passes in the car.
3) Taking kids through security is like you are begging to be arrested because they all act suspicious.
4) I was selected for an extra screening, Joe looks at me surprised and says, ‘I’m only screened if I haven’t shaved.’ Really Joe, really? I just got a wax… douche bag.
5) I needed to take extra medication to deal with anxiety… the plane isn’t the only thing flying. Weeeeeee.
6) Emily thought the plane was taking forever. We were just taxiing on the runway… we still had a two hour flight.
7) Nicholas just made a rap video about how he wanted to go to sleep in the late flight. It had a great beat with one set of lyrics… ‘I wanna go to sleep.’
8) I tried listening to a meditation at the same time that Emily wanted to play a game on my phone. I didn’t think it would interfere until I heard angry birds bombing their giant bodies on the pigs. Oink.
9) I had my eyes closed and I was falling asleep to the meditation then Emily would say ‘mommy, what are you doing?’
‘Sleeping.’ I said…
Then she said, ‘well then why are your eyes open?’
10) I already had a drink and we still have an hour left in the flight. When we get to Epcot, I am going to drink around the world. I am not good with directions so I will probably get lost in Switzerland or something.
11) We went to take some magical bus and they didn’t have the right hotel information. I needed a zanax after that. It’s not like we held up another fifty people at 10 pm at night or anything.
12) Do you know what is socially unacceptable? When your son rubs the arm of an older gentleman on the bus to see if he is smooth.
13) When you are waiting in line and your son is pole dancing on the railings… tongue out and all. He looked like Miley Cyrus and less like a wrecking ball.
14) I got this beautiful, island drink while the kids were swimming. Sunset and all going down… it was beautiful. I took one sip and Emily came out of the pool to tell me she was hungry. Really? One sip and you just ate a whole cup of snacks on the way to the pool which is like one step out of the hotel, which you basically ate five minutes ago. I took one sip.
15) Another child is out of the pool… it’s like they know when you are enjoying yourself.
16) ‘Vincent! You can’t take off the wrist band!’
‘Yeah, well, I took it off to go to the bathroom.’ -Vincent
‘It’s waterproof.’ -me
‘Yeah, but is it pee proof?’ -Vincent
What a smart ass…
17) Emily ran full force straight into the wall. I mean there was actual whiplash and everything.
18) I got a full view of a kid picking his wedgie and his sister picking her earwax. I cannot confirm or deny that she ate it.
19) Emily just wiped her boogers on me. We don’t need tissues in this household when we have my legs.
20) We needed to transfer hotels and they lost our bags for over four hours but luckily I broke out my therapeutic skills of, ‘there may be bloodshed,’ and they compensated us with a whole night stay and two extra fast passes. Damn right bitches.
21) Taking kids to Epcot is like a More You Know after school special. It is basically a place that you can teach your kids not to drink because you will look like an ass. And also that you should always have a DD.
22) Passing out in the bushes… that is what my kids witnessed as we left Epcot. Always try to land in something that will break your fall.
23) Vincent just poked his eye… with his own sword.
24) Our kids ran away from Joe and I at the hotel and I went to find them but I got lost instead.
25) When your kid won’t get on Splash Mountain and you force him anyway, just to realize he didn’t want to go because his feet are sliding out of his sandals. Drama.
26) At. Every. Ride… my kids grab my muffin top and talk to it. I literally have bruises.
27) Vincent and Nicholas just licked my shirt. Wtf?
28) You want to know what’s so precious? When your oldest is chosen to play the Beast in the Beauty and the Beast story time and then he has to dance with Belle at the end. I will use this little gold mine for years to come… because mommy got it on video.
29) When your husband looks at you and says, ‘I don’t think we will all get on the bus because we might not have children.’ Yup, Disney World is such a happy, special place.
30) If one more of my kids slaps my muffin top to get my attention, they are going to become a permanent part of the It’s a Small World exhibit.
31) When you are dead asleep and your kid wakes you up by slapping your nipple and asking to use the bathroom. Wtf. I’m awake now.
32) Vacation is fun when you are the only person that understands how to move clothing around to find other clothing so the entire family can get dressed.
33) I love that my kids have no sense of direction because they just know how to pinpoint the lady in the wheel chair and nail her with their face.
34) When your kids think a five minute wait is a lot. In my day there was no such thing as a fast pass. But I can’t remember much from my childhood so who knows.
35) You know It’s a vacation if Nicholas just randomly whips out his penis.
36) Vacationing can be awkward especially when your daughter starts to strip on the pool deck.
37) Vacation is fun when you walk into your hotel room and it looks like the room exploded and you are trying to direct three little people to clean it up in five minutes or less because they are getting on your last nerve and you just want them to go to bed. At that point, Benadryl may be the only answer.
38) I love waking up like a bat out of hell because once of your kids said that they wet the bed. Not a big deal right- just an accident except that person is sharing the bed with two other small children.
39) I love getting kids ready for the airport. I can barely get myself ready and they don’t understand the concept that we are late and we are going to miss the plane. Hurry is not in their vocabulary.
40) I need to prepare going to the airport by drinking. A lot.
41) The airport security line was an hour long. An hour on a Tuesday morning. Wtf. I didn’t think Joe and we’re going to have kids after the checkpoint.
42) We were of course late for our plane… not a surprise if you know my husband. Then all the kids magically had to poop all at once. Emily pushed her pee so hard that it shot out of the giant toliet and into her pants… that’s ok, it’s only a two hour flight with about a hundred strangers. We got there as the plane was boarding and we had one wet child in tow.
43) Look at #42… yeah, she wanted to sit with daddy. Nice… I don’t have the smelly kid in my row but God love her.
44) When we finally made it to Philly Joe said the f word… multiple times which tells you how the trip went.
45) There was a bar in the airport as soon as we got off the plane, I asked Joe if he wanted to do a shot. He said no but I feel like when God gives you a sign, you should listen…
46) We discussed if we should let the kids go through the security check point towards baggage claim- you know, where you can’t return back into the terminal and Joe I would get dinner in the airport… kid-less.
47) When we got to the Jet and Go, the kids were so obnoxious and crying that the bus driver actually left us at our car and drove away without his tip.
48) We got in my car it smelled like five day old McDonald’s. probably because five day old McDonald’s food was still in the car from Thursday.
49) The kids fell asleep on I95… it is now my new favorite road.
50) Joe and I are still married and no one has been served with divorce papers. We survived.
Until next time,
Happiest place on earth my ass