Yesterday my kids and I were involved in an accident. Some teenager rear ended us so that was fun. Thankfully, our kids were cleared at the scene and I went on an all-too-familiar ride in the ambulance.
When I say that the hospital didn’t have their shit together, that is a grave understatement… haha… get it? Grave… and I was in a hospital. God, I’m funny.
This is a list of things that I observed or did in my six hour wait to entertain myself:
1) my phone was dead and I was bored because Joe wasn’t there yet. They put me in a hallway with lots of foot traffic. Naturally, I pulled the covers over my head to pretend I was dead.
2) I told someone I had to go to the bathroom and they told me, I would have to use a bed pan. Haha…yeah, ok, let me just take a leak in the middle of the hallway. As soon as that guy left, I took off my neck brace and stumbled to the toliet where I tried to hover. Have you ever hovered while concussed? It’s like being drunk but your doing squats to avoid the plague.
3) Some woman came into the hospital and she was drunk out of her mind. I think she is a regular. Some people frequent bars, others prefer to be in the hallway of the er. Either way, I was jealous because she was drunk and I was in a neck brace. She was also screaming that she had to pee so I could feel her pain when they handed her a bed pan. Rebel drunk woman… Rebel!
4) Some woman joined us in our hallway with intense back pain but she was moaning and groaning like she was having sex. It was like a bad porn movie that you just wanted to put on mute.
5) Some orderly guy asked me my name. I asked his. I told Joe the neck brace must be hot because I just got hit on. When that kid passed by, I screamed out, ‘Hey Nick, can I get your digits?’
Haha. Poor kid turned red every time he passed by and he couldn’t even make eye contact.
6) Four hours later I finally was checked out by a PA. She was definitely on red bull and speed.
7) That PA pressed on my neck and spinal cord and asked if it hurt. Umm, I just got rear ended… of course it hurts but sure, let’s not get a CT scan. I’m glad I sat here for four hours so you could tell me I was sore from the accident. Good one. What book did you get that from?
8) You hear a lot in your hallway. They brought in a 92 year old while I was there. She had stomach acid problems annnnnd, vagina leakage. I will never unhear that conversation.
9) Because of my mental health history and my suicide ideation in the past, I had to be checked out by psych. Awesome… another two hours of waiting sounds fun.
10) So psych was talking to me about suicide and prevention and then after the survey, they had to go double check with someone else so I could be discharged.
Then they wanted to take my vitals one more time and when they were taking my pulse and it beeped like a flat line I started screaming things you shouldn’t yell when being evaluated by psych… ‘Oh no. I’m flat lining…’ Probably not the most appropriate moment to scream that…
Until next time,
Figure out your own way to scare the general public.