My mind races in a loop. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I am on the race track in the Indy 500 except there are no fans in the stands.
My car jolts ahead and my steering wheel keeps making left hand turns just like my mind. Around and around I turn. At the straight a way, I think I am finally escaping but then looking ahead I see another left hand turn.
The turn is automatic now and disappointing all at once. I have been here before; I have passed that pit stop, I have seen that flag and I have passed those empty stands.
I cry out but no one is there. I have a pit team and they offer help but I am too proud to stop and I just keep going. Eventually my car, much like my body, gives out. One tire pops from the rough terrain and another is worn out and beginning to lose air. I lose all control and I hit the wall.
I can see it coming- I see the blue sky, then the empty stands… blue sky, empty stands and then I smell the burning rubber and I feel the jolt of my head banging the steering wheel… again. My car gave out and I spun out of control.
I have been here before; spun out and broken. The pit team runs toward me but I am too proud to ask for help when it is offered. I just stumble out of the broken car by myself; the car isn’t my car; I crawl out of my broken body. Finally, the left turns stop.
My body is broken and damaged, but I feel like I can manage this pain because of my pride. I can’t ask for help. Sometimes it takes hitting a wall before I can see the path that I was on. My body is hurt and is secondary to the embarrassment I feel from constantly making left hand turns, hitting a wall and spinning out. Everyday it feels the same.
People are still running to help me and I see that I am so broken and damaged that I have to give up my pride and my willful ways and welcome the help. If I don’t allow people to be there for me, I will die. I know this. No one can see my damage from the outside but inside I can feel the bleeding and shattered heart.
It has been years and the bleeding hasn’t stopped. It’s internal pain and agony and I don’t know how to stop the bleeding internally. Who does?
And then, someone looks at me in the eyes and their stare reaches the darkest part of my soul. In this part of my soul, there is no light because it is so dead. And just as I think there is nothing left, this person on my pit crew, looks at me and the stare is like a small flame to a moth. My soul is drawn to that flame because of the light, the heat, the hope. My soul has never seen that much love and compassion.
Finally, I think to myself, this time, this time is going to be different. I want to turn in my car keys and find more of the fire that will ignite my soul. I need to find that burning passion that is obvious inside of some people. I need to revive this dead soul because dying is not an option and neither are left hand turns.
Until next time,
Looking for the light and looking forward to right hand turns…