The sun starts to fall in the evening sky and the clouds start to turn colors of orange, blues and deep purples. I watch the sun sinking deeper into the horizon; each moment is another slow moment until the sky turns deep black. And in that last moment the orange dot falls to the ends of the earth and the beautiful sky is no more.
It’s black. The stars twinkle above my head offering hope and solace to someone like me but I don’t feel the hope. I feel the loneliness and emptiness inside my soul.
My life looks whole from the outside but inside I am broken and scattered. The only thing holding me together are skin and bones but inside my body I can hear a clink and a clatter. Shards of my humanity fall in between and hit every piece of bone on the way down. No one can hear it but me.
Clink. Clatter. Clink. Clatter.
My whole life is a lie. My smile is a lie. My sarcasm is a façade of someone who is just trying to cover up her insecurities. I have felt alone for a long time even though I am surrounded by countless amounts of people. People, people and more people but it’s not enough because I am also surrounded by an enemy.
This enemy hates me, makes fun of me and tells me terrible things about myself. I live with this enemy everyday inside my head. This enemy is the one that causes the clink and clatter in my body. This enemy is me.
Don’t let the sun go down because that’s when I look at the night sky and wish I could feel the hope that you feel. The hope and solace is there but I can’t find it. I miss the sun and I am confused by the sunset and I fear the night sky. I fear the enemy that talks to me while I try to drift to sleep and then I wake up to do it all over again.
I’m waiting to break the cycle and find hope in my life.
Until next time,
When will the enemy die?
If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation, contact the suicide hotline at 1.800.273.8255.