Having BPD comes with a shit ton of problems and people who try to solve them. I am sure people with depression or other personality disorders can relate so let’s just lay it all out there.
1) Being lonely. I am lonely all the time. I could be surrounded by people and I still don’t want to even look at them. Not because you aren’t beautiful but because I don’t feel like dealing with the social anxiety.
2) Anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t even seem to be the right word it’s more like ‘holy shit the world is ending.’ How do I get through a day without being anxious? Only way I can do it is by looking forward to a glass of wine at the end of the day. Or ice cream.
3) Being needy. This one is extremely personal for me and the reason is is because nobody likes to be clingy or needy. However, I feel like if I’m not needed then nobody loves me so I would rather be sitting on top of your head then being out of your thoughts altogether.
Is it annoying as hell, yes, it is especially for you but it’s more embarrassing for me. So if I ask you if you want to go out, then it’s because I just want to spend time with you because I’m lonely and I just want company. However, if you look at number 1, I still am lonely and have anxiety all at once… I don’t even know what I want.
4) Not knowing who I am. This is really hard because I feel like I’ve never really known who I was or why I am. I don’t have any idea who I am without my sarcasm and without my wit to tell you that you’re an idiot. I can’t really be serious all the time. If I’m being serious then you have to actually get in touch with your feelings and God knows I don’t want to do that. So I really don’t know who I am because I never discovered it as a child and that’s kind of sad but whatever I’m working on it. This is why I am single-handedly paying for my therapists retirement.
5) Low self worth. I am sure you look at me and you see someone who is just ultimately fabulous and it’s probably true. However, from my perspective, I have a lot of low self-worth, like where I don’t think I really matter. I don’t see what other people see and I don’t care what other people see because I just want to see it for myself.
I wear glasses and contacts so I should be wearing them during the process.
6) Drinking. So because of my low self-worth, my anxiety, my depression and my symptoms of BPD, I find that I like to have a beverage every now and then. It’s not everyday but sometimes it just relaxes me. It also relaxes everybody else, especially if you are a teacher. Dear God, I know teachers that go through bottles of wine in one day. I went through a bottle of wine in three days and I was proud of that. But sometimes you just want to drink to calm down because nothing else feels right and sometimes you just want to get out of your head.
7) Suicide ideation. Yep this is hard to explain because people don’t understand it and they get scared of it but in reality I’m scared too. I don’t want to feel this way I don’t want to think these thoughts so when you freak out, I just freaked out worse and then I literally internalize things and don’t talk about it at all.
I’ve learned over the years I can’t say certain things but being stuck in my head is probably a scary place to be. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Just remember, I am getting help and hopefully this will disappear.
8) Distorted thinking. Yeah I have distorted thinking what you see and what reality is to me is not the same thing. Usually you see what’s right and you process correctly I process things into 99 problems and only one of them is probably a real problem and the other 98 of them I actually made up in my head. Being in my head is a scary place to be and it’s also very distorted and very messed up and sometimes it’s hard to function. But I’m making it through therapy.
9) Depression. There’s such a stigma on the word depression and a social stigma on borderline personality disorder or any real personality disorder. But depression is the one that really holds you back because you don’t feel like doing anything. You don’t want to get out of bed, you don’t want to start the day and there are some nights I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want to start the next day. The thought of repeating and repeating and repeating the same things everyday is just a killer and it really brings me down.
10) Active participant. Sometimes it’s really hard to have depression and borderline personality disorder because I can sit there and I can watch my family be a family and I can also see myself on the outside… kind of like watching a movie. This is called dissociation and it usually happens when I’m angry but I still want to participate in life. It’s really hard to watch everybody play and have a good time and not having the actual mental and emotional capacity to participate. Many people think that is probably an excuse and that a lot of people might think that I’m lazy but it’s not laziness it’s something totally different. And it’s hard to explain.
I think we have to take away the stigma of mental illness and just put it aside. I think mental illness should be treated the same way that cancer is treated, the same way that diabetes is treated the same way, that any illnesses treated.
I think people need to stop looking at people with mental illness and thinking of them as lazy or needy or whatever. Because in reality we all want the same thing as you do. What I want is what everybody wants which is to be happy, to love life, and to enjoy what I’m doing. However, with borderline personality disorder and with depression sometimes that’s not always a possibility but I’m starting to figure out through therapy and through dialectical behavior therapy that this is a possibility in my near future… well maybe not near future but the future.
Thanks for reading and help those of us to break the stigma.
Until next time,
I have BPD but it doesn’t mean that I have been branded.