I feel so phony. I look at you and smile but inside I am so lonely.
My smile is as fake as they come and inside, you don’t know it, but I am coming undone.
My head rushes like a train about to fall off the tracks and there is no way to get it back.
‘You are bad at this, you are bad at that; you aren’t good enough and don’t even try to look back.’
The lights are on but there is nobody home. Knock, knock, knock… the door is locked and you can’t come in. The door is bolted and this is my sin.
I fear for my life; I fear for my sanity. There is nothing worth saving inside of this body.
I’m broken and torn to shreds and the darkness is the part I dread.
My voice inside my head is tearing me apart; it starts first with my heart.
‘I’m not good enough. You are a terrible mom, wife, friend and teacher. It has all been said before. People hate you and you are a bore.’
No one wants to be around you or hear you because you are always stuck. Stuck in the pile of mud and muck.
My thoughts are like mad libs but I’m the writer. My brain fills in the adjectives, verbs and nouns and at the end, my brain laughs as I drown.
The thoughts are overwhelming and they make me feel undone. There is nothing you can say to make it go away.
I feel so alone. I scream it out but no one can hear me because it’s a silent shout.
It’s written all over my face. It’s that fake smile I keep. I feel so lonely and I know you are here but I want you here.
Hold my hand and dry my tear. Lie to me and tell me there is nothing to fear.
Lie to me and tell me it will be ok.
Lie to me and tell me that one day I will be well.
Lie to me and tell me…
Until next time,
Lie to me