Tis that time of year again when that bastard comes into everyone’s lives. I’m not talking about your teenage daughter’s boyfriend, I’m talking about the Elf on the Shelf.
That son of a bitch floats into our lives with a shit ton of fake magic and false hope and this year, he has caused more shenanigans since he came out of the box a week ago.
So far this little piece of felt, has been frozen by Elsa, and he broke a favorite glass while he defrosted. He had to go into everyone’s room and play with Legos and hang in their closets and he has also hung from the chandelier while his plastic head swayed in the wind from the heating vent.
But now, now this little elf who is so lovingly called, ‘Red-Hulk Chippy the Elf,’ is ruining my son’s grades and forcing me to keep lying.
Every night for fifteen minutes, my oldest son has to read and the other night he chose to read, ‘Elf on the Shelf.’ After he read, he had to answer some questions. What is that first question you ask? The first question is, ‘is this book fiction or non-fiction?’ Are you kidding me?!
I had to lie. Again. And now he is handing in homework that is totally wrong because he said it was non-fiction. He probably won’t get into college because of this magical bastard.
So thank you elf for breaking our favorite glass and keeping my son from going to college.
Until next time,
Hot cocoa with a side of magical marshmallows